Ted, Tell Us Who William Wallace Is Without Checking Google

Illustration for article titled Ted, Tell Us Who William Wallace Is Without Checking Google
Image: Joe Raedle (Getty Images)

A refreshed Ted Cruz has returned from his interrupted Cancun vacation just in time to make his way to Florida for the Conservative Political Action Conference aka CPAC aka Trumpapalooza aka ScreamFest. Truly this man will do just about anything to avoid being in the state of Texas right now.

Advertisement

As is expected of speakers at CPAC, Cruz got up on stage to yell at a bunch of people about guns, freedom, and the evils of anyone who is not a conservative Republican. This year, however, Cruz decided to really spice things up for the conclusion of his speech and dazzle the crowd with his ability to name characters from Mel Gibson films. To close out his speech, an out of breath Cruz screamed: “In the immortal words of William Wallace, Freedoooooomm.”

He then dropped the mic and exited stage left, his invisible kilt flowing in the breeze behind him.

Jezebel editor and history enthusiast Kelly Faircloth was the first in our group to give voice to what we were all thinking, “I would love to hear Ted Cruz attempt to explain the actual complicated politics of the medieval British Isles.”

So we are throwing down the gauntlet, Rafael Ted Cruz. Please submit an essay, no less than 300 hundred words on exactly who William Wallace is and his role in the war for Scottish independence. You must use a standard lined sheet of looseleaf paper, no skipping lines, and blue or black ink. You will not be allowed to use Google or white-out during this time. You have one hour. Don’t let the freedom lovers down.

DISCUSSION

Remember when the English were oppressing Scotland, and William Wallace took a quick boat ride to France? It’s okay, though, his daughters had asked him to, and he totally intended to come back the next day so he could hand out mead and bubonic plague to the masses.