Team Rape Stats: (see left)


Race: Berg ran for Senate in North Dakota against Heidi Heitkamp. Charming twist! In radio commercials, he referred to as Heidi-ho!
Result: Heitkamp is ahead in vote counts, but Berg isn't conceding. Guess he doesn't really believe that life begins at concession.


Richard Mourdock

Team Rape Stats: Said during a debate that he believes that rape pregnancies are a gift from God. But if God knows everything, then why can't He predict which rape victims would have abortions? I guess Mourdock's God's omnipotence only extends to things that men do.
Race: Mourdock was running for Senate in Indiana on the "all of my friends are insane and therefore I assume that the rest of America is similarly insane" ticket.
Result: Mourdock loses a seat that was held by a Republican.


Tom Smith

Team Rape Stats: Here's Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith explaining how getting raped and becoming pregnant is sort of exactly like being the father of a daughter who has a baby out of wedlock.


Race: Smith ran against Bob Casey, in what was expected to be a tight race.
Result: Casey kicked Smith's ass. Out of wedlock.


Steve King

Team Rape Stats: Crazy Iowan Steve King told reporters earlier this year that he's never heard of a woman becoming pregnant as a result of rape or incest, and so rape and incest exceptions to abortion law are silly. I bet he also believes that when he closes his eyes, all of the people in the room around him disappear.
Race: King was running for reelection to his House seat.
Result: King won. The sole member of Team Rape to get through the 2012 election reckoning relatively unscathed.


Joe Walsh

Team Rape Stats:"Outside of the very rare circumstances such as ectopic pregnancies, and other rare health issues, the research is pretty clear that with the advances in modern medicine, an invasive and traumatic procedure like an abortion is not necessary to save the life of a mother," says Joe Walsh.
Race: Ranting Tea Party favorite Walsh was running for reelection in Illinois' 17th district against disabled Iraq War vet Tammy Duckworth.
Result: Duckworth wins. Bye, Joe Walsh.


Rick Santorum

Team Rape Stats: Supports forcing rape victims to give birth to their rapists' babies. Like Richard Mourdock, has said that rape pregnancies are a gift from God. (But what if the rape victim gives birth to a gay baby?! WHAT THEN?!)
Race: Rick Santorum was running for President. Remember that? That was hilarious.
Result: LOL.


Scott Brown

Team Rape Stats: But what is Scott Brown doing on this list? You might ask. While he's spent much of his recent political career talking like a moderate but voting like Paul Ryan, during his tenure as a state legislator, he sponsored legislation that would have allowed hospitals to refuse rape victims emergency contraception based on religious beliefs. Magic > bodies.
Race: Brown was running for reelection to his Senate seat against liberal supershe-ro Elizabeth Warren.
Result: Brown lost.


While discussing last night's results with a friend, she made an astute observation that future politicians might want to make note of before they start running their mouths about rape: Don't start none, won't be none.

Now let's all go smoke weed at our gay abortion marriages.