Tea Sucks

Illustration for article titled Tea Sucks
Photo: Getty

Sorry to say it you tea freaks, but tea sucks. Certainly you don’t mean all tea, you’re probably thinking. Certainly I do!


Jasmine tea? Sucks.

Earl Grey tea? Sucks.

Green tea? Sucks.

Roobois? Never had it. Sucks.

Oolong? Sucks.

English Breakfast tea? Sucks.

Twisted tea? Sucks.

Bubbles? Good. Bubbles in milk tea? Sucks.

Have you ever thought about how cheap tea is compared to, say, a good beverage like coffee? In fact, some tea is even cheaper than water. It’s because tea sucks. Sometimes it’s bitter. Sometimes it just tastes like hot water, which is worse than cold water. And it doesn’t even come with the added benefit of keeping you actually awake like coffee does.


If I wanted to drink some crumbled up dried plants steeped in water, I’d start putting bay leaves in my soup, but I don’t do that either because it’s also a scam.

You probably just haven’t had good tea, says everyone as they offer me tea, which is bad. Look, it’s fine, to each their own. Just one woman’s opinion, but hot leaf water? No thanks!

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Mortal Dictata

Right, that’s it. You Yanks have gone too far this time.

You butchered our language, butchered our sports, but come after tea...

The gloves are coming off now.

(and maybe it’s not the tea that’s the problem, but that you’re making it wrong)