Taylor Swift Is Engaged to Joe Alwyn, New Report Claims, But It’s All Very Hush Hush

Is anyone else starting to feel like we know this story all too well?

The internet loves to tittle-tattle about a Taylor Swift engagement, almost as much as it enjoys theorizing about Gaylor, and evidence of such arrives seemingly every 2.5 months as yet another “report” that Swift and boyfriend/fiancé Joe Alwyn are secretly engaged.

According to a new story from The Sun, the burgeoning British actor actually popped the question months ago, but only the happy couple’s inner circle is privy to the information. “Basically immediate family, and trusted, very old friends,” the source said. “Everyone has been sworn to secrecy, too.” Uh, huh.

If that’s true, I salute these people’s silence. If I suddenly became engaged, my mother would ensure that every Kroger employee within the tristate area not only got the scoop, but saw a snapshot of the metaphorical sparkler. Speaking of rocks, Ms. Swift only wears her “beautiful ring” in private, apparently. Again, if accurate, can’t relate! How beautiful can it be if bitches from high school can’t seethe over it?

Notably, the report also lacked details on any impending nuptials, as only a “handful” of people have been told about them, and some of her team doesn’t even know about the engagement yet. That, friends, is the only understandable part of The Sun’s story. You can’t trust anyone not to borrow the ideas your 17-year-old self pilfered from Pinterest. How else do you explain the rise of mason jars in 2016?

Swift and Alwyn have gone steady for six years, and have likely been confused with brother and sister for much of that time. Not at all unlike those that preceded him, Alwyn has been the subject of many of Swift’s songs—some of her best, IMO—and hell, he’s known even to have collaborated on a few. Even still, the Conversations With Friends actor has remained maddeningly coy amidst years of speculation—so much so, that one would think he actually takes pleasure in remaining this tight-lipped.

“If I had a pound for every time I think I’ve been told I’ve been engaged, then I’d have a lot of pound coins,” he quipped in a recent interview with the Wall Street Journal. “I mean, the truth is, if the answer was yes, I wouldn’t say, and if the answer was no, I wouldn’t say.”

“We live in a culture that people expect so much to be given,” Alwyn added. While I agree, I’m also of the mind that when every other current news item makes me want to die, the least our elites can do is just confirm a fucking engagement.

• Olivia O’ Brien admitted Pete Davidson dumped her via text message in an interview with Barstool’s Dave Portnoy this week—a claim which Davidson has already denied. The only thing more unsettling to me than another hot girl being linked to Mr. Kim Kardashian, is mildly famous people still agreeing to interviews with Barstool and its many brands. [Page Six]
• Beyoncé continues to put some long overdue respect on the names of horse girls everywhere. [Pitchfork]
• Of the new Buzz Lightyear movie, Tim Allen stressed that Toy Story’s Buzz is nothing (!) without Woody. Take that, homophobes. [Deadline]
• Howard Stern wants Bradley Cooper to be his running mate in a potential 2024 presidential campaign. In semi-related news, I just got off the phone with Ripley’s, and they’re totally cool with me popping a few more gems on the Marilyn gown so I can deliver a remixed rendition of “Happy Birthday, Mr. *Vice* President” come the inauguration ball. [Daily Mail]
• Friends creator, Marta Kauffman, is suddenly “embarrassed” over the “lack of diversity” on a show that ended 18 years ago. As penance, she’s recently pledged $4 million to the African Studies Program at Brandeis University. The real gag is that a cast comprised entirely of white people was only one of several reasons Kauffman’s show sucked. [IndieWire]