Taylor Swift Has Some Dating Advice for You

Well, it’s finally here, as the prophecy foretold: Taylor Swift has done a magazine interview in which she offers up dating advice.

Here is how it all happened: Glamour‘s editor-in-chief Cindi Leive and Swift met over lattes. Eventually, as is its wont, the conversation turned to human dating rituals; Leive asked Swift for tips and tricks, and the singer recommended a trick called the “freeze-out.” Contrary to what one might hope, “freezing-out” is not when Taylor Swift grasps the petrified monkey paw she sliced from a beast at the heart of midwinter and uses it to invoke the atavistic spirit of vengeance. It is also not when she puts Joe Jonas’ vest in the freezer at a slumber party.

The freeze-out, simply, is when “you don’t respond to any of his texts or calls until he does something desperate [like] shows up. Or he calls and leaves a voicemail.” Ok, I honestly don’t know if it’s possible to goad a millennial or even someone John Mayer’s age (70? 110?) into leaving a voicemail without the use of dark magick, but I’ll take it. Other Taylor Swift Dating Advice tends to err on the side of “remain silent so no one can call you an insane person,” which I think speaks more to the terrifying media scrutiny of her love life than anything else.

“Guarding your heart and protecting your dignity are a little bit more important than clarifying the emotions of someone who’s only texting you back three words,” she advises. Hoard your SMS characters like a noble dragon lording over heaps of gold and other treasures. Do not spend them wantonly; your dignity depends upon it. Also: “Never yell. Silence speaks so much louder than screaming tantrums. Never give anyone an excuse to say that you’re crazy.”

A lot of dating questions remain unanswered, unfortunately — namely, is weaponizing your festering and silent resentment really a good method for curing relationship ills? Also: if I don’t text John Mayer ever, is there a chance he’ll show up at my house unprompted in a fit of desperation? How do I prevent that from occurring? Finally, is it appropriate to send someone a snowboarder emoji to signify to them that you’re in the process of staging a freeze-out, just to make sure they realize? Or should one stick with the more traditional snowflake-angry devil combination?