This week, for all intents and purposes, was shit. But now it's the weekend. Let's talk about that, instead.

I am not a person who is easily shocked, especially when it comes to shit. One time I watched with a blank face as a man took a dump on 40th Street and 10th Avenue and then wiped his butt by dragging his crack up the corner of a building. Whatever, it happens. But the unnatural rainbow of crap that's come out of my…

It wasn't enough for NBC to announce it would annually desecrate a beloved musical, in what may be the worst commercial holiday tradition of all time (worse even than the Lexus December to Remember Sales Event). No, today the network also announced it's green lit a four-hour miniseries remake of Rosemary's Baby.…

What goes in, must come out — and when it does come out, it's basically a murky crystal ball into your gastrointestinal health. Poo is the funky combo of water, fiber, bacteria, cells, and mucus that fills your toilet bowl — and that's all good. However, when weird colors, textures, and consistencies get up in the…

"The moment this kid flushes, it's gonna be unbelievable," says the man Pull-Ups hired to act as a director to what they're calling "the biggest surprise potty party in history". I'm gonna go ahead and guess it's the only surprise potty party in history, but that quibble is for another day.

If you're anything like me, when you watched American gymnast Gabby Douglas compete in the individual all-around finals, you had much less composure as a spectator than the eventual gold medalist did as a competitor. And when she won and waved with the poise and calm confidence of tiny American royalty, you may…

The Catholic Church is quite fond of giving women impractical and terrible advice, but one priest in Australia is taking it to a whole new level. New statistics suggest that there are far fewer eligible men in Australia than there are women between the ages of 25 and 34. Cue a marriage crisis! Father Tony Kerin…

A typo can change everything:

A 76-year-old-woman and 79-year-old man from Chicago who'd been missing for three weeks were found. At home. Buried alive in under heaps of crap. A police spokesman described the couple as "hoarders." Ever worry it could be you?

The folks over at CRAP! (Child Rearing Against Patriarchy) have released a feminist kidzine, Spratz!. It sounds cool, but the thing is: I don't really get it.

The new gossip website HollywoodLife, which launched today, is selling two points hard: queen of celebrity sausage-making Bonnie Fuller, and the idea that The Internet Is a Conversation in which you and Bonnie are BFFs. So: are you buying?

Blame the hemorrhoids conversation and comments posted yesterday: Last night I had a long, extremely vivid dream about taking a shit. Luckily, there's a story in today's New York Times about dreams and their meaning.

Check out this poor bebe elephant! [Daily Mail]

Charges have been filed against Kory McFarren, the trailer park resident who allowed his girlfriend to sit on the toilet so long she became physically soldered to it. (So long = two years.) "The only thing I am guilty of is I didn't get her help sooner," he has said. Um, yeah. [CNN]

The Vatican has been so busy lately — condemning the war in Iraq, changing the date of St. Patrick's Day, bankrolling Anne Hathaway's boyfriend in hopes he will help them pay their mountainous legal fees — that you might have missed it last week when they put out a new list of Seven Sins. Well, they were zeitgeisty!…

About ten of you have emailed from Esquire about the things a man should never do in the company of a woman, like cleaning your gun or talking about the girls you used to fuck or "rapping" or blow-drying their hair. It's fun but not incredibly accurate; most of the dealbreakers, like calling a girl a "whore" in a way…