Swiss Miss: Join The Campaign!

I’ve decided that there is a gaping hole in the world of bikini wax options, and I am calling it The Swiss.

Some friends and I were talking about this last night: why is there not a standard bikini wax option that gives one the full “amenities” of the Brazilian without the resulting porn star ‘nether-do? Why, in short, can’t you get a Brazilian (with all the intimate softness this implies) with a normal, minimally-groomed tuft atop? When you get just a standard wax – ie, a little cleanup around the edges for swimsuit season – it all looks normal enough; no freaky, geometric triangles, pre-pubescent baldness or sinister “landing strips.” Why can’t we take the best of Brazilian technology and combine it with a more natural aesthetic?

Understand, please, that I’m not even a committed waxer – certainly not at this time of year – but I do think some of this (besides, you know, money, laziness and not really caring) is due to the fact that one is compelled to choose between half-assed (no pun intended) normalcy and Penthouse-style graphics. It’s not that you can’t get the combo I’m talking about – you can, but it generally takes persuasion, much explanation and the occasional sketch. It’s just not in the catalogue of approved styles, and this is what we need to remedy. It’s not French, it’s not Brazilian, it’s not “basic” – it’s something far more subtle and modern, a nod to nature with a secret adherence to pre-Recession hedonism.

My friends and I batted around various names for this style: the “Ukrainian,” “Bolivian” and “Canadian” were all rejected. Obviously, the answer was “The Swiss” – a neutral blending of cultures and languages that doesn’t wear its sexiness on its, ahem, sleeve. “I’m getting a Swiss Wax” – it sounds efficient, clean, almost automotive, with none of the Frederick’s of Hollywood tawdriness one doesn’t always wish to encounter post-shower. The Swiss is not designed to titillate, particularly; it is a wax designed for women, by women, that looks normal but still gives one the self-satisfied ‘groomed’ feeling of the whole shebang. To all my non-waxing chums out there, well, this will seem not only frivolous but doubtless a problematic reflection of nefarious societal pressures, and you wouldn’t be far wrong. But for anyone who’s looked down in horror at a sharply-defined arrowhead reminiscent of The Point and wondered who the hell finds this alluring…well, the Swiss Campaign has begun, and every bush counts.