Summer Beers, Ranked

Illustration for article titled Summer Beers, Ranked
Photo: Rogiro

As a woman in her early thirties of extensive alcohol-drinking experience, I’ve come to understand the perfect summer beer as having a few crucial qualities: The ideal beverage for a sweltering afternoon is heavier than a Coors Light (gross) but certainly lighter than a Sam Adams (even grosser)—something that tastes like a beer without much of the aftertaste or bite. It’s readily available in bottles, which simply feel better sweating in one’s hand and are indispensable props for those of us accustomed to talking with their hands. And, crucially, the ideal summer beer is of a slight enough alcohol content that you can drink about a hundred and fifty of them and still operate heavy machinery if the occasion calls for it. (Summer is about spontaneity and adventure, after all.)

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As today appears to be the day national news organizations are just sort of throwing out kinds of beers they like to drink on a sunny day, here is Jezebel’s definitive list of good summer brews. You can try to fight me on the inclusion of the new light-beer versions of Harpoon and Dogfish Head’s ales but they are the perfect halfway point between a watery beer and a heavy beer and I will be drinking them until they are discontinued and/or I die.

A Definitive Ranking of Summer Beers

1. Pacifico

2. Rec League

3. Tsingtao

4. Lone Star

5. Tecate

6. High Life

7. Budweiser

8. Slightly Mighty

9. Narraganset

10. Modelo

11. Corona Extra

12. Pabst Blue Ribbon

13. Heineken

14. Miller Lite

15. Rolling Rock

16. Corona Light

17. Stella

18. Miller Lite

19. Negra Modelo

20. Yuengling

21. Michelob Ultra

22. Blue Moon

23. Natty Ice

24. Bud Light

25. Coors Light

26. Bud Light Lime

27. Bud Light Chelada

28. Bud Light Lime-a-Rita

29. No beer

30. Any and all hard seltzers, which by the way are classified in most regulatory cases as “beers”





Update: In creating this list, I listed Miller Lite twice, which might seem like a mistake but was actually clearly intended to reflect the bland ubiquity of the middling beer.

Molly Osberg is a Senior Reporter with G/O Media.

DISCUSSION

dfpp
Damone's Five-Point Plan

First, it seems kinja’s having some problems - I can’t see any pending comments.

You left out shandies and other beers brewed or mixed with fruit.  Lime-a-Rita doesn’t count.

And it’s Negra Modelo, as a Mexican waiter once clarified.