Sugary Drinks Murdering Skinny Women's Hearts To Death

Here’s a dispatch from the Department of Never Letting You Have Fun Ever: Regular consumption of sugary drinks causes heart damage, it doesn’t matter if you’re fat, skinny, trapezoid shaped, or Alex Mack. But you’re going to keep drinking sweetened crap, aren’t you?

NBC reports that new research presented at the meeting of the American Heart Association shows an inexorable link between sipping sugary concoctions and heart damage. The study followed more than 4,000 people who were middle aged or older and found that women who consume two or more highly sweetened beverages per day were four times more likely than their male counterparts to start experiencing buildups of high triglyceride levels. Elevated triglyceride levels are associated with developing diabetes and heart disease, regardless of the study subject’s weight.

Heightened triglyceride levels came as the result of consumption of drinks that were heavy on the non-complex carbs. This means all sugary drinks— not just soda, but also sweet tea, the Mochariffic Sugarpiss Delite you order at Starbucks when you’re feeling like you’ve got $5 to burn, and the weird off brand Polish cherry juice that’s actually mostly sugar that you’ve become so fond of— are killing you. But would you rather live 1,000 years without ever tasting a Dr. Pepper or die after a day of sweet, delicious soda consumption?