After scrolling through the grid of gold medals and six-packs that is Grindr in Rio right now, straight Daily Beast reporter Nico Hines learned something that left him dumbstruck: gay male Olympians want to have sex with other gay male Olympians. Hines filed an 800-word article on his discovery, and it is a breathlessly written account of someone who appears to think gay sex is as mysterious as the prehistoric origins of Tilda Swinton.
Gleefully filed to ‘MUSCULAR ATHLETE FOR MEETS,’ “The Other Olympic Sport in Rio: Swiping” strives to be a revealing look at gay male sexuality in the bottomless (in a sense) pit of endorphins known as Olympic Village, but has the anthropological value of an episode of Bananas In Pajamas, and offers a discomfortingly awestruck glimpse into the world of gay sex that would seem homophobic if it weren’t so fucking stupid.
(Note: Several hours after its publication early Thursday morning, The Daily Beast’s EIC John Avlon added a statement to the post apologizing for its offensive content, adding that they “responding to readers’ concerns” by making “some editorial changes to the article.” Even with the edits, it is still very bad.)
For the record, I didn’t lie to anyone or pretend to be someone I wasn’t—unless you count being on Grindr in the first place—since I’m straight, with a wife and child. I used my own picture (just of my face…) and confessed to being a journalist as soon as anyone asked who I was.
Yes, I think most gay men would count “being on Grindr in the first place” as indirectly claiming to be someone you’re not. And I think he knows that!
Here’s the part where he’s shocked gay Olympians don’t have to be divers:
There were dozens of eligible bachelors listed on Grindr within a few hundred yards of where I was standing at the entrance to the athletes’ village. One posed in his full team kit. Others referred to their elite sporting status more furtively, but they included one of the world’s top equestrians and a track and field athlete a few days away from competing.
The fact that gay men can take more than one form is clearly something Hines is struggling to comprehend:
As you would expect at a gathering of 206 nations, there was a dazzling array of talent on display. One swipe to the right took me from a tall black guy with a perfect six-pack directly to a second perfect six-pack, this time belonging to a shorter white athlete.
He followed this with a description of a Grindr interaction that surprised him because, 1) the man wanted a dick pic, and 2) the man wanted to fuck before 5:30 PM.
One, who sent his address, had a Rio 2016 duvet cover as his main picture. His profile read “I’m looking for sex” in two languages.
He asked for “a sex foto,” but I’m a bit of a prude like that, so I sent a selfie from the fencing earlier this week.
Strangely, that didn’t deter him, and he sent me the name of his building. It wasn’t yet 5:30 in the evening—long before my usual dating hour.
Have you seen The Hours? (Bear with me here.) You know that scene when Julianne Moore is sitting on the toilet feeling miserable because she’s a closeted lesbian who is obligated to have sex with her husband, and John C. Reilly is under the covers on the other side of the door all excited to do it so he turns off the lights and is all, “Come to bed Laura Brown,” and then Julianne Moore gives a look that’s like, fuuuuuuuuuck?
That’s how I felt after reading this.