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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Stop Making 'Gilmore Girls' Cookbooks. They Don’t Cook Shit.

Another "Gilmore Girls" cookbook is on coming out soon and literally no one asked for this.

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Screenshot: Netflix

It’s not 5am at Luke’s, but we need to have a heart to heart.

The Gilmore Girls are regretfully putting out yet another cookbook, and we’re entirely unclear on why. On Friday, preorders were made available for Gilmore Girls: The Official Cookbook, which allegedly “features more than 50 recipes from everyone who kept Lorelai and Rory fed over the years,” says Southern Living. They note that some of the recipes included are Richard and Emily’s lobster puffs, Luke’s Santa burger, and Mrs. Kim’s flaxseed muffins. Nowhere in the book, however, does it say who the hell asked for this.

Jezebel has two Gilmore Girls super fans on staff ready and willing to tell the cookbook writers Elena Craig and Kristen Mulrooney that they’re not slick. We know what this is— the dangling thing to distract from the fact that there won’t be any reunions again, ever (Lauren Graham only put more salt in that wound this week with her confusing tweets!). And they knew we’d storm the doors, so they threw us a cookbook…? Must think we’re real basic.

Any self-respecting Gilmore Girls fan knows that the Gilmore girls notoriously don’t cook a damn thing. We kept our mouths shut when the previous cookbooks dropped (Jez writer Audra will reluctantly admit that she owns one), but no more! As two of those self-respecting fans, Audra and Khalisa break down their feelings about the Gilmore Girls cookbook chaos. Below is a modified transcript of what might be considered Gilmore Girls talk therapy.

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Khalisa: Audra, I’m just at a loss for words and have so many questions. What’s up with all the cookbooks, boo? I could have sworn I saw this same thing a few years ago. Isn’t this book they’re marketing as “new” just a remix of old ones from last year?

Audra: I personally own an unofficial Gilmore Girls cookbook from 2016 and can confirm that many of the same recipes in mine (and the other attempts in the genre – five or more have been released at this point) have seemingly been repurposed in this new one, to absolutely no one’s delight. As tantalizing as Luke’s boring ass cheeseburger and fries or the “perfect cup of coffee” sound, we’ve been here before. Even the listed cocktails, like the syrupy pink drinks – which are clearly just Cosmopolitans, by the way – served at Rory’s 21st birthday party and the painfully ordinary martinis Lorelai seemed so fond of, are just drab dupes. We deserve better, frankly.

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K: What’s making me absolutely weak is the fact that they tried to sell us on things like Rory’s birthday martini, when even Luke said, “It tastes pink.” Why would we want to make half of the recipes in there?

A: Also, cookbook authors Craig and Mulrooney had the absolute nerve to include the disastrous Santa burger, a.k.a. a plain burger patty topped with an olive and tomato face and a whipped cream cheese beard and hat. I respect the fact that they compromised the integrity of the dish and made it savory, as opposed to Luke’s true version, which, as we remember, included whipped cream and candy. Even still, not one of us superfans asked for this. Two more recipes I personally take issue with that often reappear in these cookbooks are Mrs. Kim’s flaxseed muffins and her eggless egg salad sandwiches.

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K: Gross. My mouth is the opposite of watering. It’s dry. And so were those crusty dance competition egg sandwiches. Like can we get some authentic food by the only people of color on the show? Honestly, this book sounds white-washed as hell. Where are all of the flavorful dishes like Caesar’s(Luke’s co-worker) cultural concoctions? Michelle’s Afro-french cuisine?

A: Speaking of Caesar, who in all honesty, should probably just be running the diner: In the book I own, there’s a recipe for chilaquiles that has an accompanying blurb about “injecting his Mexican heritage” into the diner. On what show? That man almost never left the kitchen.

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Where the hell are Mrs. Kim’s kimchi dumplings? Or the sumptuous and slurp-inducing noodle dishes from her Lunar New Year dinner? These white women are really expecting our palates to be satiated by Parker House rolls – white bread dinner rolls which originated at a historically white institution in Boston – and turkey burgers? Even past cookbook’s attempts at including dishes that barely flirt with an ethnicity that isn’t abhorrently American are an affront.

K: *Sigh* Nowhere, chile. Literally nowhere. I see fried chicken on the list and I definitely don’t want anyone on GG making fried chicken. You know Mrs. Gilmore wasn’t seasoning a damn thing. Nobody wants to eat her dry ass Parker House rolls or her little white-bread finger sandwiches. To be fair, in one episode they had roasted quail or duck that sounded delicious. Emily looks like she could pour a stiff drink. I’d also give those tailgate party margaritas an ol’ college try.

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A: I think it was squab, and hard agree. Sookie could cook, right? I feel like we could trust her. Where is a dedicated Sookie cookbook with fully-imaged recipes that weren’t seen on the show? I’m trying to have whatever she was making for her family at night. Enough fan service.

K: Listen… I would show up any day of the week to eat Sookie’s food. That should be the cookbook!! Cook like Sookie. They can have everything else, really. The wedding cakes alone could stop traffic. That and the morning pastries, the risotto, and whatever she served Norman Mailer, I’m here for it. Also, those themed meals looked de-li-cious. The Medieval Times-esque dinner they had. Honeyyyyyyy!

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A: What I also find funny are the marketing ploys like “eat like a Gilmore,” when you consider the rampant fatphobia of the show. This mother and daughter, who are at most a size 2, not only regularly gorge themselves on the world’s most fattening foods and never practice a single healthy habit, actively shame and make fun of people who aren’t. The episode where they watch Fatzo surrounded by junk food? Sickening. The way they live is positioned as quirky or this modern medical marvel but if the average person truly ate and acted like a Gilmore Girl, it would be “unsafe,” or at the very least, unsavory. People like Jillian Michaels would be yelling at them.

K: I mean, the fatphobia and the fake realities of fast food lifestyle legit had me walk out of room on several episodes. Honestly, that should be our boycott and campaign against this cookbook. Those recipes sound bland AF.

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A: My cookbook teaches you how to make a patty melt because, apparently, it was Kirk’s favorite. Do I remember that? No. Do I need to know how to make my own patty melt? Also, no. However, I would forever cherish a dedicated Sookie cookbook, Mrs. Kim cookbook, Caesar cookbook, or, hell, a non-cookbook compilation of the best takeout places on the east coast that the Gilmore Girls might like to visit. I can see it now, something like: “Here’s the real-life Al’s Pancake World and Luke’s Diner.” We’re full on all of the other ones, I think.

K: 100% agree. We should be on the GG marketing committee, Audra. And or, turn this into a podcast or something.