Spending An Uncomfortably Long Amount of Time Pondering Mariah Carey's Zoom Setup

Mariah Carey announced a new album Tuesday night titled Rarities, which is nice for people who get excited about Mariah Carey compilation albums. She formally announced the news on Good Morning America, streaming in live from somewhere that is probably her house. But it wasn’t news about her album I was paying attention to, really; it was her glamorous and informative Zoom getup.

When Mariah Carey beamed herself into ABC Studios, she was wearing a floral dress and sitting in a high-backed Victorian chair, with some nice, lush houseplants framing her perpetually glowing visage.

The first thing that caught my eye when she shared the behind-the-scenes look at her Zoom conferencing setup was that Mariah is flexible enough to cross her legs while sitting in a chair. More importantly, her case is glittery, yet simple. It’s nice to see the queen of glamour own such a pedestrian object as an iPhone case you could find in a gas station checkout lane, sandwiched between the M&Ms and $2 polyester masks.

Like Mariah, I also find myself conference calling via video more and more, either for my weekly Dungeons & Dragons sessions with the gays—we’re currently battling a cult of spider demon worshippers—or for work, which is significantly less exciting. But where I rig my computer with a stack of books and light myself with its hideous blue glow, Mariah has opted for a professional setup. I’m envious! A quick bit of googling reveals she is most likely using a “Multimedia Extreme Social Media Light” from The Ringlight Store. If a $350 Instagram Live tripod sounds unappealing and overpriced—act fast! They’re currently on sale.

Anyway, let’s talk about her couch. I’m sorry Mariah, I really am, but this couch is what I imagine myself sitting in during a routine dentist visit, back when dentist visits were a thing that existed. The plant is a nice touch, though! It elevates the chair, crown molding, and textured wallpaper past “dentist lounge” to “high-end plastic surgery waiting room.” As for the dress, well, it accentuates her titties and looks great with whatever corset and or shapewear she has on underneath. Considering these are the two things Mariah most looks for in an entire, I’d call it a success!

Then there’s the bit of torn paper down near the bottom, where you’d normally find a teleprompter. She didn’t blur it out, meaning it must not be that important. Still, I’m nosy, and so I flipped it around and played with the contrast to get a better look at what it says:

Memoir 9/29

Rarities – available for pre-order now (out 10-2)

SAVE THE DAY something something something FRIDAY

Stories about something something the rarities are something the something.

Try not to give away something something.

Most of her prompt sheet consists of standard press notes: Tell ‘em when to buy it, sell some stories about the album to get fans excited. But its the last note, reminding Mariah not to give something away, that interests me most. What secrets is she keeping about this album? Weirder still, I noticed that there was what appeared to be a second phone in her lap during the interview. Is that her phone, and if so, whose is it? The one streaming her interview is obviously Mariah’s, as I’ve already established. If you need further proof, here is a picture of maybe-boyfriend Brian Tanaka using that same phone in an earlier Instagram post. I know I’m now thinking too hard about why Mariah Carey has two phones, but give me some grace. It’s Wednesday—what else would you like me to think about?