Speak Into the Golden Microphone: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Illustration for article titled Speak Into the Golden Microphone: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking
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Brethren and sistren, welcome. Today’s pre-ranking sermon is about abundance. Last week, there was no holiness ranking because I, your devoted First Blogger of the Church of Andy Cohen of Latter-Day Viewers, was found lacking. Lacking in the spirit of the snark and lacking in the energy stay up late enough to watch Housewives, which airs at the most unholy hour of 10 p.m. on Wednesday nights, to write about it before the sun rose on Thanksgiving, when my most important task was to get a turkey into the oven as early in the day as possible.


As we all know from the likes of Billy Graham and other television evangelicals, when the spirit finds you lacking, the blessings cannot flow. But we serve a merciful lord who gave us DVR capabilities for occasions such as these. After much prayer and consultation with other members of the church, I was able to watch, renewed in the sanctified spirit of being judgmental and we will be blessed this week as a community to have not just one but two holiness rankings in the same week. God is good.

Heather, the all-white wearing Mormon


I am still unclear as to why Heather requested that every guest at the baby shower last week wear white even though they were not the ones bringing new life into the heavenly father’s kingdom, and I would love if someone could explain that to me. Otherwise, Heather had a pretty solid week and almost got off sin-free until she decided to utter some very un-Mormon ideology. “It’s not about perfect, it’s about love,” she said of motherhood in one of her talking head scenes. Heather, you’re Mormon, it is quite literally about perfection and if you want it to be about love then I’m going to need you to look into conversion.

Whitney, the stripper obsessed ex-Mormon 


If Whitney plans to have strippers at every party, the council may need to consider the amount of permanent sins pre-marked against her. Whitney had an interesting week, paying a visit to Mary’s church with her father. Since Whitney is technically without a religious assignment, for this episode she is being judged not just on Mormon law, but Pentecostal law as well, which will only go so far as the time she spent in Mary’s church. Earrings, trousers, and sheer fabrics are big no-nos and Whitney sported all of these in the sanctuary. But she is semi-redeemed by the fact that the pastor laid hands on her during service. Somehow, I don’t see Whitney signing herself up for Bible study with Mary anytime soon, though.

Jen, the Muslim who really believes in voting


Jen has found herself in the middle of classic first season Housewives drama. One of her friends said something mean and now Jen is out to make sure her other friends are securely in her pocket and against the one friend who is accused of wrongdoing. Sowing division is extremely un-Muslim-like but not as bad as exposing her legs, and possibly her vagina, to a man that qualifies as a non-mahram. (In Islam a mahram is usually a member of one’s family who is ineligible for a woman to marry and therefore, the rules of hijab need not apply.) Brooks Marks, who is one more comment away from stealing this entire show, is technically eligible to marry Jen because he is of consenting age and not related to her in any way, therefore while she is not hijabi herself there is a level of decorum that is expected while in this man’s presence. She was also drunk and cursing in this episode so you already know what that means.


Meredith, the Jewish mother of Brooks Marks


Meredith, her Chicago accent, and her perfect son Brooks had a pretty solid week despite that choice of costume for the 20s party. Unfortunately, Meredith volunteered herself to attend a church that preaches Jesus Christ is the Messiah and was resurrected after death. Since Meredith has not given any indication that she is a part of Jews for Jesus, this is a point against her. But her church outfit was super duper cute, albeit a little too much cleavage exposed for that kind of church.


Lisa, the Mormon in desperate need of a storyline


I actually completely forgot that Lisa was in this episode because she did almost nothing? She also looks a lot like Meredith, so I get the two confused. If it weren’t for her permanent sin of owning a liquor company, Lisa would have actually been this week’s winner for the one scene of trying (failing) to go over the ten commandments with her son and another scene of her praying. Very nice. But she just gave those heaven points away with the company and with her Diet Coke which has 46mg of caffeine per 12 ounces. She ordered a 40 ounce which is like... a lot. I don’t know math but I do know Mormons do not consume caffeine.


Mary, the Pentecostal with the gold mic


Mary preaches with a gold microphone. This has nothing to do with sin, I just find it fascinating that in a faith that preaches humility she is really up there speaking in tongues into a gold microphone. The last pastor I knew who used a fancy microphone turned out to be a complete trash bag, so this does not bode well for Ms. Mary. But other than a gaudy choice in hardware, Mary had a stellar week. Not only did she bring Whitney and her dad into her church (points for this were awarded in the last holiness ranking and will not repeat this week), she also managed to scoop up Meredith, another potentially lost soul. She also put in a lot of work to discourage her teenage son from dating, even going so far as to recommend a boarding school in L.A. to get him away from his current girlfriend. All of this overshadowed Mary’s continued use of earrings (which she notably did not wear in her actual church) and pushed her just over the edge into the first win for this week. Jehovah Jirah has seen you Mary and he is pleased.


Thus concludes this week’s edition of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City: Holiness Rankings.



Shannon, this is the lord’s work. Thank you.