America's most upscale tabloid People held its annual awards show last night, acknowledging the most influential people of its 2014 or whatever-whatever. People being People, its red carpet attracted quite the coterie of A-listers, wearing a range of ensembles from wonderful to disastrous, and a nice little preview as we head into awards season. Let's take a peek, shall we?

These red carpet beauties continue being about that #pantslife. Thank heavens! Nicole Ritchie continues being a nigh-impeccable style icon in this gorgeous black jumpsuit with sheer sleeves, accessorized perfectly with a fringed clutch and earrings from her own House of Harlow line. Jennifer Lopez did the damn thing in Naeem Khan, casually posing like the goddess she is and letting her famous cleavage echo that venerable moment when she stopped the world at the Grammys. That was 15 years ago. Let that sink in, just like the Vitamin E oil I'm about to rub all over my face and body in an attempt to be as preserved as J.Lo when I'm 45, goddamn.

It's really nice seeing Mindy Kaling take a style risk; she is often prone to shift-dresses that are cute but a little conservative; here, she goes for the deep V in a brilliant shade of fuschia (a custom creation by Salvador Perez, The Mindy Project's costume designer) with minimal accessories and looks stunning. Meanwhile, Karlie Kloss just keeps doing freakin her, supermodel of the freakin world. The skirt is Marchesa, the bustier is Zac Posen, the grin is pure Karlie. Sidebar, we recently caught a glimpse of the inside of her refrigerator and my verdict on that is: nah, son. Tryna eat some carbs over here. You do you, though, girl. That is why you are a supermodel and I am a writer with spread-ass from sitting all the time.

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I guess when the "bad" ensembles look like this you're not really doing too shabby. Melanie Iglesias is gorgeous in that shade of light rose, and I get that she was going for a modernized slip dress silhouette, but there's something proportionally off about the smallness of the bralette in comparison to the maxi skirt. Kate Upton's leather-pon-leather-pon leather is meant for maximum edge but gives her the illusion of a wrestling champ, and/or that wide belt is very 2005. Kate Hudson's gauzy, coral-print gown is consistent with her gaia-lite hippie steez, but the combination of hue/complexion/hair is way too washed out underneath the HD glare of paparazzi lights. Would liked to have seen the same dress in, like, royal blue. Or goddamn marsala. Roselyn Sánchez is going for sexy menswear but, again, the proportions are dubious: mainly, that pants hemline needs to be shortened by about an inch, and I'm scared she is going to fall. Also, white bra with dusty baby blue is way too Spring for December, even though Fuck Seasons.

Hoo-boy, where do we even start. Really want to talk about Gwen Stefani's gorgeous, crystal-encrusted Alexandre Vauthier Couture top but can't because what the EFF is up with that hair, a look I recall with horror from my junior high days when we called it the cocker spaniel. She performed "Spark The Fire" on the televised show with the same topknot and I couldn't pay attention to that, either. Been loving her hair as of late—the pitch black-and-platinum dip-dye she had for a bit was a particular standout—so it is bewildering that she could go this wrong. I feel physically pained. While we're on the topic, Chloe Grace Moretz is serving up Kim Basinger realness with that 1989 bang-swoop and formal buttoned-up satin workwear of an evening... frock?, it's just like, girl, you are 17, why are you going to an office party.

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I like the fact that Amber Rose is flipping it and going for full-coverage elegance, but that black dress is wearing her, she's not wearing it, and it's a damn shame. She looks enveloped. Finally, in more clues that the early 2000s are maybe, maybe coming back and we should all be hella fucking alarmed, Revenge's Karine Venasse is doing a pitch-perfect "Dirrty"-era Christina Aguilera—you know, when she dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow—and I'm completely terrified. Why the low-rise slacks? Why the crop-fishnet? Why the witchy-pointy shoes, which I imagine are stretch leather boots that reach that awkward point about 3/4 inches below the knee? We must defend ourselves from this madness.

I honestly don't feel that strongly either way about Elisabeth Moss's dress, but it looks cool on her, and she seems like she'd be really "cool and fun" to hang out with. (See also, top image.) In that case, actually, her look is pretty successful. She's projecting pure and unique undistilled "cool and fun." I would say props to her stylist but "cool and fun" needs no stylist, it is just "cool and fun" inherently.

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Would that we could all be Jessica White, blessed be. The pure confidence in personal style and self is really showing through on the choice to wear this gown at all, to begin with, which could be atrocious: an emerald green turtleneck with sleeves that are fringed-and-embroidered to look like two tiny Stevie Nicks shawls? Hahahahaha on paper but then White shows up and is like oops, I made it look excellent. I do lightweight want to remove the long suede ribbon, beads, and feathers from her hair, but give her respect for taking a concept and throwing herself into it. Mystery of life: WHAT IS SHE WEARING ON HER FEET? Do you think she went barefoot?