Sounds Like Some Of Us Are Getting Weird With Household Objects

Right around the time the majority of the U.S. entered lockdown in March, I received the following text from a friend:

“If you want some comic relief I drank a bottle of wine last night and masturbated with a zucchini.”

There was more:

“I was literally sizing up the three zucchinis I had and decided to go with the biggest one.”

I understand her predicament. At the time, she was staying in an empty apartment that wasn’t hers, far away from whatever arsenal of sex toys she might normally have. But apparently she isn’t alone. According to the New York Post, there are lots of us stuck at home finding formerly banal household items to jerk off with. And based on this headline, lots of us are doing it…very wrong.

Dangerous? What sorts of things are people sticking in their vaginas these days? According to Dr. Lauren Streicher, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, the most common objects used are cucumbers, electric toothbrushes and candles.

“If you are looking for a dildo and not a vibrator, and you want to put something in your vagina, make sure there are no sharp edges on the object,” says Streicher.

Who among us needs to be told this?! In addition to this valuable advice, Streicher also adds that condoms can prevent pieces of your chosen dildo stand-in from breaking off and forcing you to go “fishing for it.”

As for the electric toothbrush vibrator, the doctor advises putting a cotton covering like a T-shirt or a cloth over the bristles so it doesn’t irritate the clitoris.

Streicher posits that people are turning to household objects because “they might not want to go online or have people see their Amazon orders.” To this, I say: If you’re masturbating using an old sock wrapped around a strip of frozen bacon because you’re afraid to order a vibrator online, there is no time like the present to face your fears.