Image: Getty

Earlier this month, I was tired. So I took a nap in a woman’s house in Oregon. Had no idea she’d make such a big deal about it, but then I realized: I’m a mountain lion. The homeowner, Lauren Taylor, posted her account of what happened on Facebook, but there are two sides to every story. Here’s mine.

For one, Lauren claimed in her Facebook post (yes, I had to lower my standards and read Facebook) that I was in her living room for “over six hours.” Wrong. It was like five hours and maybe 49 minutes? Lauren says I came to the home through the back door, which was open. True. But with all due respect, lady, your back door was open? When one door closes, another door opens and a mountain lion walks through it.

Lauren also wrote on Facebook: “The room has huge plants & stairs built around real tree branches, so she likely didn’t even realize she was walking indoors until she was inside.” Um, of course I knew I was indoors. I’m not stupid. This is from People:

Taylor said the animal eventually exited her home because she “sent telepathic pictures of the routes out of the house.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....what are you smoking and can I have some??? Lol. I just felt like leaving so I left. I was done with my nap.

Taylor said that she has “extensive experience working with energy and animals” and hoped that the mountain lion would “stay safely in the hills to enjoy a long life as a wild and healthy lion.”

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I did, and I am. In all seriousness, though, I wanna thank Lauren for being so gracious about allowing me to take a break in her crib. As I said, I was super tired, juggling a lot of things at once, and what can I say, I lost my wits about me. I haven’t been able to take a six-hour nap in peace in...I don’t know, forever. Consider me grateful.

At any rate, there are indeed a few things you should keep in mind when dealing with mountain lions in your home or vicinity...But if I told you, I would have to kill you :).