Image: AP

You may have heard that a teenage girl recently brought a batch of cookies to school, that some kids ate them, and the authorities have been alerted that the teen threw her grandfather’s ashes into the mix while baking said cookies. Reader, I don’t buy it.

Trust me, this is exactly the kind of story that I would happily watch unravel over the course of three episodes a somberly-shot, half-hour dramedy TV show. I think that’s where it belongs: In the realm of scripted entertainment for the masses. Because it didn’t happen.

Here’s what we know about the alleged ash-cookies: The LA Times reported that some of the kids ate the cookies with the knowledge of its morbid ingredient. “Some students knew beforehand and still consumed the cookies,” a police office told the paper. Okay, sure....

You’re telling me this student showed up to school and told her classmates, “Hey, these cookies have my grandfather’s ashes in them because I baked them that way,” and they were all like, “Oh sweet, can I have one?” No, I don’t think so! No one screamed and got a teacher involved? No one ran away and called their parents? The self-contained nature of this allegation—within a group of HIGH SCHOOLERS, who just figured out what gossip is—seems off. I think it’s way more likely that they all wanted the parents and teachers and school to believe they were doing something cool and edgy like eating dead-people cookies, and were actually just eating regular cookies.

So I’m suspicious, already. That’s my bias. I’m freely admitting it. Moving on: The LA Times also reported that the authorities are inclined to believe this student’s story because she brought an urn to school. AN URN. TO SCHOOL.

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Let me tell you one thing: If I was 14 (or more realistically, younger than that, but let’s say I’m a wayward 14-year-old) and I wanted to trick the adults in my life into believing I baked cookies with a beloved family member’s ashes, I would ABSOLUTELY bring an urn to school! I don’t know what to tell you! That’s textbook “Let’s prank ‘em!” behavior!

Teens are weird and allegedly they’ve been drinking and having sex way less than other generations. Maybe this ingesting the remains of those who have departed from this earth is how they indulge in impulsive behavior. BUT as a former teen, I can say teens have always been weird—the biggest weirdos of any age group, except for maybe babies—and attention-seeking. If the story is true and the teen baked ashes into a batch of cookies, I will fully believe it. That’s not surprising in the slightest. What I’m saying is it seems far more likely that it didn’t happen. That it’s a fun rumor that costs virtually nothing to perpetuate and virtually impossible to disprove.

Again, if there’s evidence that it really happened, that’s metal as fuck and I admire the guts it takes to do that and I hope none of the students who ate them develop health complications. If it’s true, it’s a funny story we can all laugh about! If it’s not true, you all got duped, son.

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I’m leaving room to be proven wrong. But I’m also a genius and never wrong. So you tell me. If you have info about the cookies, please email me at frida.garza@jezebel.com.