The latest reminder that we must be living in the worst possible timeline comes in the form of a casting announcement from Nintendo about the upcoming animated Super Mario Bros. movie: action man Chris Pratt will inexplicably be voicing beloved tiny Italian plumber Mario. Now, not only is this casting utterly uninspiring, but it’s also mildly confusing, as I had been led to believe that Pratt was being cast in movies largely because some people allegedly find him “hot” (because it’s clearly not for his acting abilities) and yet his face will not even be in this movie...... how puzzling! I can’t help but think that this casting is just the latest example of the epidemic of anti-Italian racism famously bemoaned by the Cuomo brothers.... or maybe that’s just because of the connections between Pratt’s police officer brother and far-right militia groups! Hard to say really.
Most of the rest of the Mario animated movie voice cast is less upsetting but equally as forgettable as Pratt: Charlie Day will voice Luigi, Anya Taylor-Joy will voice Princess Peach, Keegan-Michael Key will voice Toad, Seth Rogen will voice Donkey Kong, and Fred Armisen will voice Cranky Kong. The one exception to that is Bowser, who will be voiced by Jack Black—a man who is many things, but most certainly never forgettable.
I can’t help but imagine that Chris “Fredo is like the n-word for Italians” Cuomo is at this exact moment on the phone with his brother, disgraced former New York Senator Andrew Cuomo, screaming about how The Sopranos is to blame for this egregious wrong being done to the Italian-American community.
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- Drake got dinner with the actual Wolf of Wall Street because of COURSE he did! The pair were reportedly overheard referring to themselves as “the werewolves of Miami,” which they clearly didn’t realize should have been embarrassing. [Page Six]
- Meghan and Harry went outside. [WWW]
- I, too, am shocked that Ellen Degeneres’s talk show has gone on for 19 seasons. [People]
- Please keep casting Megan Fox as hot and murderous supernatural creatures. [People]
- Filmmaker Melvin Van Peebles died on Wednesday at the age of 89. [Variety]