Some People From That A Cappella Movie Raised $5000 Doing Beyoncé Karaoke

An important lesson was learned today, and it’s that a cappella won’t bring in fat stacks of charity cash, even when the song is Beyoncé and the performers are the cast of a movie most people watched one time in college because their roommates insisted on it. That’s ok! The Pitch Perfect people did the best they can.

On Youtube Monday, the cast of Pitch Perfect and its extended a cappella universe gathered to sing “Love On Top” for UNICEF, which has “helped save more children’s lives than any other humanitarian organization,” according to itself. The cause for their reunion was certainly noble, and urgently necessary: raising money to support people affected by coronavirus AND to send aid children in Lebanon after the devastating Beirut explosion. The money they ended up collecting from viewers and patrons, however, tells an entirely different story about the efficacy of celebrity activism.

In total, 300,000 people watched the official, Universal Pictures branded Pitch Perfect slash UNICEF “music video,” which premiered almost 24 hours ago. As of press time, their total collection pot amounts to $5000. By my extremely complicated math equations, that’s .016 cents per viewer.

The low number raised makes me think: do people actually donate to charities because a celebrity asks them to? Perhaps at one point they did. A case could also be made that, due to a horrifying amalgamation of xenophobia and racism, American viewers don’t feel moved by what has transpired in Beirut. But I also get the sense that the worth of a celebrity, in any given charitable drive, is vastly overblown. These types of videos also have a way of centering the celebrities involved rather than, you know… the people they are raising money for. Still! At least we can now confirm that the total social cachet of the Pitch Perfect Extended Universe in 2020 is $5000.

Page Six reports that Jonathan Cheban, who was robbed of a $250,000 watch at gunpoint in New Jersey earlier this month, is leaving New York, probably forever. All because of NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio! (But also probably because he was robbed… in Jersey.) “I can’t be there. It’s very traumatic to be there. I want to sell my apartment in New York for sure because I can’t imagine living there again. It’s not New York.”

He continues:

“Daytime, nighttime, afternoon, Midtown, Uptown, Downtown, the mayor has destroyed the city. It’s depressing. It’s scary. I was on edge before, but now I’m even more on edge, obviously. I’m just confused as to how they’re allowing this to happen. I just cannot believe [New Yorkers] would vote for this idiot two times.”

As the evil miasma that settled over the tri-state area begins to dissolve, as Cheban flees for Los Angeles, and the warm glow of his Kardashian heat lamps, something tells me he is going to be all right.