So, Peloton Didn’t Kill the Most Hated ‘Sex and the City’ Character??

While And Just Like That…, the new reboot of Sex and the City, seems to be universally hated by culture critics across the internet, the extremely unsexy and uncomfortably woke series has one (SPOILER ALERT!!) BIG problem on its hands.

In the Sarah Jessica Parker-led series premiere, which aired on HBO Thursday, Big (Christ Noth) meets his untimely demise on a Peloton bike right after his 1,000th ride with fictional instructor Allegra, played by Peloton instructor Jess King (which our resident clairvoyant predicted, btw). But Peloton is asking fans (and shareholders) to pretty please free Peloton over the events of a fictional television series and the death of a fictional character. I am, unfortunately, dead serious. Should I say fictional one more time?

Peloton’s cardiologist, Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum, not only addressed Big’s fatal heart attack, but also found time to chastise Big for his prolonged fuckboy behavior and “extravagant lifestyle” with a “thumbs down,” which I find perfectly passive aggressive and petty.

“I’m sure SATC fans, like me, are saddened by the news that Mr. Big dies of a heart attack. Mr. Big lived what many would call an extravagant lifestyle— including cocktails, cigars, and big steaks—and was at serious risk as he had a previous cardiac event in season 6…These lifestyle choices and perhaps even his family history, which often is a significant factor, were the likely cause of his death. Riding his Peloton Bike may have even helped delay his cardiac event.”

I mean, finally someone’s publicly reading Big for filth, although I’m very sorry that he passed away!! Maybe Carrie will finally stop making horrible romantic decisions, but my expectations are on the floor.

According to Peloton spokesperson Denis Kelly, HBO bought the bike and cast King without contacting HBO. “Due to confidentiality reasons, HBO did not disclose the larger context surrounding the scene to Peloton in advance,” Kelly said.

Normally, I might find immense pleasure in largely popular corporations getting played, but this (again) fictional death actually caused Peloton’s stock price to drop by 11% last night. Yikes. People are also apparently googling “Will Peloton go out of business,” reminding me that everyone is melodramatic as fuck. Hopping back on my Peloton now jk can’t fit one in my apartment.

• Miley Cyrus took Pete Davidson to a gay bar, and I hope it’s not their last. Ship it. [Yahoo! Entertainment]
• In a surprise to no one, Perez Hilton is still refusing to apologize for his despicable early aughts dredging. This time, Lauren Jauregui says he outed her when she was a teen. [People]
• Jussie Smollett is officially guilty of staging a race-based hate attack. Can’t wait to hear about it on Fox News for the next year [New York Post]
• Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas’s “erotic thriller” Deep Water was pulled from Disney’s theatrical calendar. You know JLo is drinking mimosas this am. [People]
• Kanye West won’t stop publicly simping for Kim Kardashian. Oh sweetie, somebody tell him. [People]
• We’ve lost Matt Damon to the metaverse. [Variety]