Small Dog or Baby: Demi Moore Must Choose

There is a war waging on right now, one that you might not even be aware of. Most mainstream news outlets aren’t covering it. Twitter, despite thinking of itself as the preeminent battleground of social justice warriors, has been embarrassingly silent. But in Los Angeles, a chihuahua named Pilaf and a newborn baby named Louetta are fighting for the love of one woman: Demi Moore.

In the last week, Page Six has been the only reliable—if not entirely perpetrating—war correspondent on the matter. On Monday, the outlet noted that Demi Moore “carried her dog like a baby—while shopping with her actual baby granddaughter.” It’s the sort of behavior that makes you sick reading about it—her appearing to love a canine more than her own human kin?

I could forgive this if it were a one-off moment, but per Page Six, the gross behavior continued. Not even three days later, the new grandmother brazenly doubled down on displaying her allegiance to Pilaf over Louetta. I don’t know how one explains headlines like this to their children at night.

Where does this woman get off? Never mind that she isn’t really carrying the puppy like a baby, but rather in a sling around her shoulder in a way that would probably be dangerous for a real baby. The dog is in the general vicinity of her breast, where it certainly seems like the baby should be—case closed.

Of course, it’s worth noting for would-be Louetta sympathizers that Pilaf the chihuahua is so tiny and fragile that Moore submitted her for the title of Guinness World Records’ World’s Shortest Dog. I think the sheer force of one of Louetta’s burps could kill Pilaf, which might explain why they’ve been so savagely pitted against one another in Moore’s daily life.

What’s clear is that there’s no obvious side to take here, and the stakes could not be higher. Thank god for Page Six’s dogged, relentless coverage of this feud.