Slap Me, Pope Francis

Image: Getty

On New Year’s Eve, while greeting pilgrims at the Vatican, Pope Francis slapped a woman. I mean, he really slapped her—after going in to bless some babies and turning away from the barricade, a woman decided to shoot her shot by grabbing and pulling the Pope close to her. Naturally, by being a sweet old raisin of a man, he was jolted by the slight physical force. In the viral video depicting the moment, he is shown becoming immediately frustrated, and then slapping her hand off of his. If there is a better way to kick off the new decade, I’ve yet to see it. Because I’d also love to get slapped by the Pope.

Think about it: a Pope slap? That’s a one-way ticket to heaven. This is the only good kind of Internet fame—being the anonymous Catholic who got Pope-slapped. Me and this mysterious woman, we could be the only ones to sincerely wear “I got slapped by the Pope and all I got was this shirt” or “Where were you when the Pope slapped a lady? Oh, wait, that was me” homemade t-shirts. Every family meal, which for normal folk would unravel into uncomfortable political jabber, would center around me and my slapped hand. It would become my entire personality. I would find a way to go full “Cash Me Outside” girl post-virality and find real, sustainable fame after my minor indiscretion in the face of lord Jesus da God. This isn’t a desire; I simply must get slapped by the Pope.

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Anyway, in case you’ve yet to see the NYE slap, here it is:

Pope Francis later apologized for smacking her devil grip, offering the words, “I apologize for the bad example yesterday… sometimes even I lose patience,” to the crowd at his Angelus address in St Peter’s Square on New Year’s Day. The topic of the speech was to condemn violence against women, which is pretty ironic, except for the fact that his slap has landed that woman a free ride to eternal nirvana. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do. Seems like a fair trade.

Slap me next, Papi Francis.

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