If you're like me and most of the entertainment industry professionals in Hollywood right now, you're slowly sobering up from the after effects of what was last night's Golden Globes Awards. Like anything that involves Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the show was predictably funny, included some really wonderful, touching moments and OMG Y'ALL IT ENDED ON TIME. Not too shabby, indeed.
However! As is the case when Hollywood is given the chance to go and pat itself on the back, there was no shortage of WTF moments. And I'm not even talking about the times when people sat up and literally went WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS — I mean those moments during the show that made me question whether I was watching an awards show, or if ignoring all those warnings to not mix my allergy medication with alcohol had finally caught up to me.
So here they are, in no particular order:
Don't get me wrong; it's a good show that I watch religiously. I always found Andy Samberg to be kind of annoying on Saturday Night Live, (sorry everyone who likes "Dick in a Box") but I really like him on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. He's freaking adorable. And this picture is everything. And Terry Crews, y'all. TERRY. FREAKING. CREWS. ("The Merry Princess Castle has defeated me!") But it's a brand new show, and it beat Girls and Parks and Recreation, the latter of which is a show that Nine-Nine basically "borrowed" most of its format and character types from. It certainly was a head-scratcher. (Except no one scratches their heads anymore. That's just a dumb thing people say.) But at least it wasn't another win for Modern Family.
It's apparently a thing now. We must learn to overcome our crippling fear of that we do not understand and therefor silently judge and begin to let the man bun encircle us with its warm, comfortably relaxed, messy love. We must allow the man buns into our home, where they will crash on our makeshift futon couch for three months, borrow money for e-cigarette cartridges and gas to drive to that show their band is doing in Reseda and then explain to us that they are just not ready for anything serious right now, but they promise they'll call us sometime.
Why does it exist? Why. For the love of God, please someone tell me why it has to exist in this mortal coil.
Everyone was making jokes about it, but why exactly did the producers at the Golden Globes treat everyone like Hansel and Gretel, sending them on an elaborate trail to get to the main stage? So many unanswered questions! Did people get a Sherpa guide to walk them through that mess? Were they elaborately checking IDs of winners to make sure no imposters took the stage? Was there some sort of portal through space and time that the winners got accidentally sucked into that caused the lengthy delay, and if so do we in fact know that it was the real winners who came back from the alternate dimension and not some sort of alien cyborg imposter? Like I said, lots of unanswered questions.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Lupita Nyong'o was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture Drama for her role in 12 Years A Slave. She lost to Jennifer Lawrence's nail polish in American Hustle. Does someone want to explain to me how this happened? Because I am at a loss. For real. Are people afraid that if they anger Jennifer Lawrence she will rise up against the leaders of Hollywood and stage a bloody, dystopian-esque coup, sending the filmmaking community back to the dark ages, where the only way to get your movie made is to enter a violent fight to the death with your fellow directors and actors? Seriously, someone fill in the blanks here for me.
I guess that's why the show ended on time—the Globes used a [LOUD MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING]. Oh. I am so sorry. I guess I need to wrap up this section of my article that I literally just began and had absolutely no time to make a coherent thought out of. Let me just quickly sum up [MUSIC GETS LOUDER]. Oh geez. OK, well thank you all so much for clicking on this article today and thank you for all the other times you have clicked on my articles. I could not have done this without you— [SOSIE BACON GRABS ME, RUSHES ME OFFSTAGE IN THE WRONG DIRECTION]
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