Siblings Ruin Everything, According To Science

Were you an unhappy kid? It might be because your jerk parents just couldn’t stop reproducing.

A years-long British study of 2,500 young people has concluded that having siblings greatly reduces children’s happiness, and that a sense of happiness decreases as the number of siblings increases. Only children, those awkward kids who were terrible at sharing, are the happiest.

At the root of the sibling problem could be intra-family bullying, lack of personal space for individual siblings, and general parental fatigue. Competing for the attention of parents could also cause malaise among broods of youngsters.

Quiet, Johnny. Mommy’s watching her stories.

In addition to the study’s “hell is other people” conclusion, researchers found that nonwhite/ethnic minority children were happier than their white counterparts and that obviously there was something creepy going on in the Partridge and Von Trapp families, as there’s no way those kids could all get together and sing unless they were under the influence of some kind of hallucinogen.