Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Shailene Woodley Tries to Distract From Aaron Rodgers' Anti-Vax Stance With Big Penis Posts

The Big Little Lies star wants you to not care about NFL beau's vaccine status.

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Image for article titled Shailene Woodley Tries to Distract From Aaron Rodgers' Anti-Vax Stance With Big Penis Posts
Photo: Pascal Le Segretain (Getty Images)

By now, you’ve likely heard that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is unvaccinated against covid-19 under the pretense of ~worrying about his fertility~, despite playing a game linked to such severe brain damage that players routinely donate their brains to be studied. And Rodgers is, like, really confused about the negative reactions to his choice to not take a safe vaccine that will help end this exhausting nearly two-year pandemic. It’s crucial you remember all of this as I tell you the next move from the Rodgers camp.

His fiancé, actress Shailene Woodley, wants you to forget all of this because Rodgers has a big dick. That’s right, Mr. Football Man’s penis is actually fine, thank you very much! On her Instagram Stories, Woodley shared screenshots of a Daily Mail story that purports to be about Rodgers and includes snapshots of a man that the publication says is the NFL star. Woodley says it’s most certainly not her future hubs because she knows his body soooo well.

“literally ya’ll need to calm the fuck down. this is straight up HILARIOUS. news outlets STILL grasping at straws to disparage aaron. finding random fucking men on the streets of la and saying it’s him,” Woodley wrote over a screenshot of the Daily Mail’s coverage, along with pink arrows and handdrawn circles around the caption that mentions the man is photographed in the Brentwood neighborhood. “i know aaron’s body. VERY well. first off, his feet, ahem and no offense to this rando dude, are a LOT bigger. ;)”

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What a bizarre way to redirect the conversation from your fiancé not being vaccinated because he’s worried about his dick by... *checks notes* calling attention to his penis length? Someone get Travis Scott’s crisis manager on call.

But wait! There is more. Woodley continues with another screenshot from the Daily Mail, “also, for those of us who know aaron beyond the worlds of obsessed sport and shitty media, it’s no secret he has the hairiest hands on the fucking planet. this oblivious homie, clearly, does not. (go ahead, zoom in).”

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Imagine telling 4.6 million people to zoom in on an alleged stranger’s hands to check his hand hair to demonstrate it’s not your unvaccinated fiancé’s hand. Just hand her the ball of red string for her cork board diagram already.

Then, just to be bitchy (and I can’t believe I’m defending this random dude either), she writes, “also cute car dude, but aaron would never drive this.”

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There is no vast conspiracy to get Aaron Rodgers. He is an unvaccinated and rich asshole who won’t do the bare minimum to help end his pandemic. Congratulations to him for being able to go to Halloween parties and try out to host Jeopardy! Most of us are out here worried about child tax credits running out and sending children back into poverty, or crying at the fact that kids age 5-11 can finally get vaccinated, or getting long-covid. (A side note on Rodgers’ Halloween costume, John Wick: I think it’s dangerous to have your hand on the trigger of even a fake gun that’s pointed directly at someone taking your picture.)

These deranged posts by Woodley are a failed attempt at misdirection from couple. Don’t fall for it! Especially since this is her second attempt at making people forget that Aaron Fucking Rodgers lied about getting a covid vaccine—oh, I’m sorry, he cleverly avoided answering the question.

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The first time Woodley tried to redirect the conversation, she shared a post from @spiritdaughter in her Instagram Stories that read “Calm seas may bring you peace, but storm are where you’ll find your power.”

Sure, peace is cool, but so is getting the fucking vaccine.