It’s hot, you’re here, Shade Court is in session—let’s get to this.
In this week’s Shade Court, Barack Obama does what he does best, One Direction continues its shade-a-thon and Cara Delevingne has clearly not been taking shade lessons from Naomi Campbell.
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000115
The Case: Zayn Malik, who ditched the boy band life earlier this year to be the only name on the royalty checks, has finally revealed his next move. The singer has begun moving in a different direction, by signing with RCA Records.
Zayn tweeted about his excitement, which was all about finally being able to show the world the who he really is and make “#realmusic.”
The Defendant: Us Weekly
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: If you’ll recall, last week, current One Direction member Liam Payne threw some rather solid shade at Zayn for leaving the group. Perhaps this was Zayn’s response or maybe he’s been playing the long game this whole time. Either way, Zayn came out with a win.
I know I sound like a broken record, but I strongly advise you to leave the hashtags at home when you’re trying to throw shade. A hashtag cuts into the elegance shade-throwing and throwing shade is nothing if not an elegant dance of superiority and pettiness.
Instead of #realmusic, I wish Zayn had said in something about “artistry” or his “craft.” Those words would have cut deeper. As it stands, #realmusic is almost certainly shade at One Direction’s catalog and One Direction has earned its title as the shadiest boy band in history.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000116
The Case: Safaree Samuels is Nicki Minaj’s ex-boyfriend. He and Nicki broke up last fall after ten years together and his crusty-ass hasn’t spent a day being less than 80% salt since.
For NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER, Safaree decided to dip his toe into Meek Mill and Drake’s sad little rap beef and he seems to have contracted salmonella which is quickly rotting the viable brain tissue he had left.
Still, let me not be too hard on Safaree. The man is clearly trying to hide his deep pain at the loss of one of the most important relationships of his life behind crude lyrics and overly aggressive masculine posturing.
Anyway, Safaree released a diss track directed at Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj.
The Defendant: E! Online, Cosmopolitan
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade. A diss track is never shade.
The Ruling: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000117
The Case: President Barack Obama is trying to get through his last stretch at the White House with as low of a blood pressure as he can manage. He’s been hanging out with his daughters, shimmying in Kenya and laughing at the rat race for next President of the United States.
Our brother site Gawker shared their insight:
“Under our constitution I can’t run again. I actually think I’m a pretty good president. I think if I ran, I could win. But I can’t,” Obama said, very clearly aware of the shade he was throwing at Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and the 19 GOP presidential candidates.
The Defendant: Gawker
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: God, I’m going to miss Barack Obama’s shadiness when a potato becomes the next President.
Hey 2016 presidential candidates: Barry thinks you’re all just a flock of big, dumb, dodo birds with too much money and yes-men on your hands.
What I love about this is that Obama threw shade while simultaneously complimenting himself. To a less keen eye, he’s simply saying that he thinks he’s been a great president. However, in doing so, he’s also slipping in that he think he could beat those fools with both hands tied behind his back and Bo Obama writing all his speeches.
It’s hard to pinpoint what makes Barack Obama so damn good at throwing shade. I love how he trusts his audience enough to only drop the slightest of hints so that only the true shade believers will know what has happened. He cracks a lot of jokes, but somehow you exactly when he’s not really joking. He’s also the damn President so no matter what, he can always throw that in somebody’s face.
Clearly Michelle has taught him well.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000118
The Case: Cara Delevingne, a model with a tragically misspelled name, has been doing press for some movie about teens with cancer or cavities who fall in love or just go to college or something like that.
During her 7,432nd interview with Good Day Sacramento, she was asked her 177th stupid question and finally got fed the fuck up.
The Defendant: Buzzfeed mostly, Teen Vogue, Bullet Media
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Now, Cara was was rightfully irritated with the suggestion that she didn’t even read the book the movie she stars in was based on. That’s bullshit and she let everrrrrybody know it. But that’s all she was doing.
Cara was out there dropping sarcasm bombs but shade and sarcasm are not necessarily the same thing. The two tactics do often overlap, but not in this case. She was basically just being a smartass and rolling her eyes and contorting her face the entire time. Making a bunch of stank faces on live television is not shade. Just because Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows cast a shadow over her face doesn’t mean it’s shade.
I’m almost inclined to cut the BuzzFeed writer some slack because she’s British and obviously has the whole language barrier thing to work through. However, Zayn and Liam have figured out shade from across the pond, so on second thought, no excuses.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000118
The Case: Chris Harrison, the man with the most bafflingly stable job in Hollywood, was recently asked by Variety about Lifetime’s show, UnReal, a drama about the ugly world of how your reality television sausage gets made.
“Really, the main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch ‘The Bachelor,’” Harrison told Variety when asked what he thinks about “UnReal” at “The Bachelorette: Men Tell All” taping earlier this month. “It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”
The Defendant: Glamour, Vulture
The Evidence:
Glamour:
Vulture:
The Deliberation: Oooooh somebody is maaaaaaad.
Chris Harrison’s reaction is hilarious because it inadvertently reveals that he actually cares about UnReal a whole lot. A comparison between the two shows—one scripted, one slightly less scripted—is dumb to begin with, so I don’t even know why he entertained it as a serious question.
So much of throwing shade is giving off an air of ease and disinterest. Even if you are, you can’t let your target know that you’re riled up. You could read them into the next millennium, but all that effort will muss up your hair and some young lady in India spent four years growing that for you.
Harrison kinda flew off the handle here, which is to say, his comments were not remotely shady.
But shoutout to this Vulture commenter though who knew what was up:
At least I’m making some headway, grasshoppers.
The Ruling: Not shade
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Images via Getty and Instagram. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.