Judge Brown here, and boy am I ready to hammer out some judgment and seek justice in the name of glorious shade. In this week’s Shade Court, we have two people continuing to waste their time on a grown man who spells his name like a cartoon character, Erin Andrews calling out her boyfriend and Calvin Harris starting a pop music war.
The Case: A music facts Twitter account tweeted the little/widely/who cares-known fact that Calvin Harris wrote and produced Rihanna’s hit song “We Found Love.” Harris quoted the tweet and added the following commentary:
That’s all well and good, except for the fact that apparently Leona Lewis originally recorded the track with Harris before he decided to give it to Rihanna.
The Defendant: Idolator
The Deliberation: You have to have some pretty deep knowledge of the history of this song to be able to understand why any of this matters, which bolsters Calvin Harris’s shade quotient. Who even knows if he harbors any animosity towards Leona Lewis?
I do often say that intent is an important part of shade. While it doesn’t necessarily seem like Calvin Harris has a reason to shade Leona Lewis, one thing is certain: he definitely knew that more than one person recorded that song when he wrote that tweet.
Maybe Calvin Harris secretly hates Leona Lewis or is an enormous Rihanna stan.
The Ruling: Shade
The Case: Blac Chyna and Kylie Jenner have been engaged in a shade-a-thon of sorts stemming from the fact that Tyga, a moron, has a child with Blac Chyna and is now dating her ex-best friend’s teenage sister.
On the heels of the gross disaster that was the #KylieJennerChallenge, Blac Chyna posted a picture on Instagram that seemed to be taking shots at Kylie
The Defendant: Everyone
The Deliberation: I knew the Kylie Jenner vs. Blac Chyna feud would come to something like this. Of course, I hoped for better from everyone involved, but you can’t take hope to the bank.
Throughout all this immature messiness, Blac Chyna has been pretty subdued. Sure, she threw her shade, but hadn’t done anything particularly demonstrative. Now, the tide has turned. Perhaps it was seeing pictures of her son spending Easter with her ex’s teen bride and the rest of her disrespectful family that finally did Blac Chyna in. (Frankly, she earned kudos from me for not ending up in jail after seeing those photos.)
So here we are. Dressing up as a literal clown is not shade unless we’re talking about some weird circus drama. This is not shade. This, my friends, is what we call a clapback. Blac Chyna dragged Kylie Jenner with a super rude and rather hilarious caricature. I mean, it is petty as hell, but it’s also surprisingly accurate.
Blac Chyna probably shouldn’t have done this, but let’s be honest, can you blame her? This bullshit storm of colored hair extensions and false eyelashes and loose thumbs is only the logical conclusion to Tyga’s fuckboy actions and the erroneous responses from everyone else involved. As I’ve felt from day one, no one involved in this scenario is going to be able to walk away with much dignity when the dust finally settles.
No winners here, folks.
The Ruling: Not shade
The Case: Erin Andrews’ boyfriend Jarrett Stoll was recently arrested for trying to bring cocaine and molly into a pool party in Las Vegas, because apparently he forgot that he’s a professional athlete and probably doesn’t have to carry his own drugs.
As I learned doing research for this case, Erin Andrews hosts Dancing with the Stars. During an on-air interview, Andrews asked a contestant what she likes to do during spring break. The contestant replied that she basically liked to chill out at home and watch movies.
Andrews responded: “There’s nothing wrong with that. I feel like some other people should learn from you.”
The Defendant: Complex
The Deliberation: I’ve never had any feelings whatsoever about Erin Andrews, but boy am I warming up to her. Let’s be real, she seems like a gal who knows a lot of people who probably need to keep their asses at home and stay out of trouble. But the timing here is too perfect to ignore. “Yes, my boyfriend is an enormous dodo who would do well to spend his days binge-watching Netflix instead of packing his pockets with coke.” That’s basically what she said.
The Ruling: Shade
The Case: Crystal Castles is a group of adults who used to make music together. Those adults are Ethan Kath and Alice Glass. Following their split, Ethan Kath has been talking a lot of shit about his former bandmate.
One of his choice barbs is about how Glass was essentially inconsequential to the group’s success: “It should be rewarding for her considering she didn’t appear on Crystal Castles’ best known songs,” he said, then went on to list what I’m sure he thinks are a bunch of famous songs.
The Defendant: Bullett
The Deliberation: Hey Bullett, you might just want to try putting on a sweater or grabbing a cup of coffee. That chill you’re feeling has nothing to do with shade. Ethan Kath kind of just sounds like a dick.
The Ruling: Not shade
Images via Getty; Kylie Jenner’s Instagram; Blac Chyna’s Instagram. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.