Sexy Movie About Sexy Book to Be Sexily Directed by Sexy Lady

Yesterday afternoon, news broke that the director of the moistly anticipated film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey is Sam Taylor-Johnson, a British woman. And, in case you were wondering (You were! You always are!) — YES. Yes, she’s totally fuckable.

According to a profile in The Daily Beast that reads like it was supposed to be complimentary but overshot so far into creepy that the toilets flush in the opposite direction, the biggest takeaway about Taylor-Johnson isn’t that she’s smart, or inventive, or creative. It’s that she oozes sex like an oozing sex machine.

In the profile, the filmmaker is described as a “stunning British blonde” who exhibited her “cradle robbing” ability when she started dating an 18-year-old at age 42. Oddly gratuitous-sounding references to her relationship status pepper an otherwise thorough exploration of her resume. And, just to make sure we know Taylor-Johnson is exuding enough sexy lady hormones to direct the most exciting thing to happen to repressed suburbia’s panties since Hugh Jackman, the profile mentions that Taylor-Johnson gave birth at age 44, “which goes to show you what she’s made of.”

Um, vaginas? Just a pile of vaginas? I’m at a loss! What are women who give birth at 44 made of?

At any rate, if you were worried that the person directing a movie that started out as a book that started out as a Twilight fanfic written on a Blackberry wouldn’t be enough of a pulsating human clitoris to effectively provide big-screen translation to that scene where a virgin named Anastasia exclaims Oh, Gosh! as nipple clamps are applied to her breasts, then WORRY NO MORE. Sam Taylor-Johnson is the exact sort of sexy von sexenberg o’sexaughey this film needs.

Missing from the Daily Beast profile was mention that, no matter what your opinion on the book or film, Fifty Shades of Grey will be a rare Hollywood unicorn written by, starring, and directed by a woman. Oh, gosh, I hope they’re all fecund enough.