Sex Crime Expert Writes Advice Book About How to Best Lock Up Your Teenage Daughter

According to Maclean’s, we are supposed to be in awe of Pat Brown — the CEO of the Sexual Homicide Exchange, which helps police solve sex crimes, whom you’ve probably seen on Nancy Grace at least once — because she’s able to quickly reference the Florida “cannibal” who chewed the face off a homeless man. (Sorry, Pat, everyone remembers that.)

Now she’s come out with a book that sounds like Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother for paranoid parents who watch too much To Catch a Predator: How To Save Your Daughter’s Life: Straight Talk for Parents from America’s Top Criminal Profiler.

Apparently, we should listen to Brown’s parenting tips because she home-schooled all three of her kids and didn’t let her daughter go on unchaperoned dates until she was 18. Eek. They include:

Brown encourages parents to involve young girls in after-school hobbies like knitting and stamp collecting.

and:

If your teen gets trapped in a relationship with a boy who is too domineering, she may be able to get rid of him by talking about herself-her hair, her nails, her shoes-non-stop. “A psychopath is only interested in himself so the last thing he wants is to have a girl yakking about herself,” she says. “Suddenly laughing non-stop for no good reason in the middle of lunch at McDonald’s is going to make him squirm,” because it’s all about his ego. “If his trophy stops shining, if people are like, ‘What are you doing with that girl?’- he’s not gonna like that.”

So you can get out of an abusive relationship by acting like a Valley Girl? Awesome.

The other tips are better but pretty obvious, like “set boundaries” and don’t let your daughter hang out alone with “a controlling boy she’s broken up with.”

“It may be really hard work, but believe me, you will have so much less work when she is older,” Brown writes. “You won’t be babysitting your grandchild while your daughter goes to high school, or hiding your jewellery from your crack-addicted young adult child.”

Any tips on how to raise boys that won’t abuse their girlfriends? Just wondering.