It’s time for America’s most sobering annual ritual: seeing what kind of ridiculous garbage children are clambering to acquire. And truly, the toy industry has topped themselves this year!
The speculation picked up in September, as roundups began to appear, drawing on lists from toymakers and retailers and produced in consultation with various toy industry insiders. In an article on where to buy must-have toys, Time put its money on the Scruff-A-Luvs, echoing an even earlier recommendation by Good Housekeeping in September:
If we had to place a bet on which holiday toy is going to get the most buzz this year, we’d go with Scruff-A-Luvs, a toy that ticks many of the boxes for trends this year. For the uninitiated, these critters are presented as stray pets a kid “rescues.” “You put it in water and it becomes an animal — you’re adopting and nursing it back to health,” says Adrienne Appell, trend specialist for The Toy Association.
But, Time noted, “collectibles” were still going strong, including Fingerlings, a kind of clip-on finger puppet—“The Fingerlings, which were really really hot last year, now have a boy version which is on-trend with the dinosaur theme”—and “L.O.L. Surprise!” toys, surprise toys that come in a plastic sphere.
There was another contender, though! Good Housekeeping seemingly decided to hedge its bets by ALSO pointing out the merging popularity of something called “Pomsies.”
But of course, now that we’re barreling toward Christmas morning, the true winners are beginning to emerge, as parents realize it’s too late to easily acquire a much-designed item. The hottest item of 2018, according to the New York Post? Poopsie Slime Surprise Unicorn, an extension of the L.O.L. Surprise! franchise, a plastic toy that literally shits glittery slime:
The Poopsie Slime Surprise Unicorn is a doe-eyed doll with loose bowels, and it’s the hottest — and grossest — toy of the holiday season. The $49.99 mythological creature sucks down a bottle-fed meal of slime-making powdered “unicorn food” mixed with lukewarm water. Then, when a child pushes on her bellybutton, she shoots out a stream of candy-colored goo from a heart-shaped hole in her bottom.
“I took too long to let the slime poop out and it started to congeal,” reported one parent. “I’m pressing the poop button and nothing is coming out . . . I had to turn it underneath and look at the butt hole, and poke at it with a toothpick.”
Perhaps you are laughing to yourself, thinking about how you are definitely going to purchase this for somebody in the office secret snowflake gift exchange, for laughs. Well, the current asking price on Amazon for “Dazzle” or “Whoopsie” is $49.99. For this:
Literally any of these toys could be satire. Who would even know?