Hello, dolls! We’re back! Last week’s re-cap was put on hold because ya’ girl got called up to put in that work for this country by sitting on Jury Duty. To make sure this never happens again be sure to call your local politician and tell them personally to never call me for that mess ever again. More important work is being done right here in this online space. But, since I’m back, let’s get into the important work of breaking down the breakdowns in Calabasas.
On this week’s episode, our A-Plot was Scott Disick’s Kardashian Curse; the B-Plot was Kris Jenner’s girls’ trip; and our C-Plot was Kim Kardashian being a terrible friend. Come thru, dolls and #LEGGO!
Scene 1/Cold Open: Filmed on March 28, 2016
We open at Scott Disick’s new home, which Khloe constantly reminds him looks like their Hamptons house where Scott nearly went a little too far off the deep end. Scott is chillin’ with fellow Keeping Up with the Kardashians plot point, French Montana. So of course, Khloe arrives. French is hype to see his former boo and tries his best to execute some pedestrian Wikihow tips on How to Get Back with an Ex. First he longingly grazes her hand, stares into her eyes, and then makes it his down low, dirty, uncalled for business to rub her behind as she gives him a goodbye hug. Shockingly, Khloe leaves Scott’s without roundhouse kicking French Montana in the center of his mouth. This scene was filmed on March 28, 2016.
Scene 4: Filmed on March 28, 2016
At Kylie’s house, Kylie entertains Kardashian castaway, Scott, and his Wilson, French Montana. Mason, who looks like a sugar rushed A, is also there. Scott mentions that he wants to see a psychic to see if he’s really been affected mentally or emotionally by his baby mama’s family because he’s heard tell of a Kardashian Curse. According to Scott, the Kardashian Curse affects all men in close personal relationships with any woman in the Kardashian/Jenner family. So, with a psychic, he wants someone to tell him that the Curse is real and his hardships have nothing to do with his cheating or addictive personality. But hey, call me and my team Kermit the Frog because that’s none of my business. Like Scene 1, this was filmed on March 28, 2016.
Scene 9: Filmed on March 30, 2016
Back at Kylie’s, she, human dump truck Tyga, and Scott lounge in her glam room. Proving himself to be the most proactive member in the Kardashian/Jenner family, Scott has called on a psychic to meet him at Kylie’s home. When the psychic arrives, it’s explained that he’s actually a spiritual medium whose energy is farther off than Kimberly Kardashian’s vocal abilities. Scott goes in on the medium because the man’s just speaking in all-encompassing terms and metaphors, so Scott invites the medium to spiritual advise himself to the door. This sad little psychic session was filmed on March 30, 2016.
Scene 10: Filmed on March 21, 2016
At Epione, cosmetic dermatology office and the hottest spot in Southern California, Kim Kardashian bumps into her BFF, Jonathan Cheban. Jonathan is also with a Kim K. look-alike, Kamilla, because he’s been frustrated with Kim Kardashian’s absentee friendship. Jonathan is shocked to see Kim at the doctor’s office because he can’t seem to pencil in any time with her because she’s so busy being a mom, yet she has time to dip out to Epione with another friend. Kim isn’t as pissed as Jonathan thought she would be by his hanging out with her look-alike, and she even enjoys some selfies with the budget Queen herself. This scene was filmed on March 21, 2016.
Scene 12: Filmed on March 21, 2016
Kris Jenner, Kourtney Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian enjoy some wine tasting in Napa Valley. Kris was concerned about Khloe’s self care in the midst of Lamar’s recovery, so she decided on a mini girls’ trip to clear her child’s mind. At the first winery, the ladies do some tasting of the product straight from the barrel, but Khloe and Kourtney soon break away to have some fun of their own. Instead of tasting wine, they call their sisters Kim, Kendall and Kylie to inquire about the color of their lady parts, or “pussies,” as the sisters call them. When they’re ready to leave though, Kris, who has been drinking #NONSTOP, is on level 10 as she greets her kids in the car. As she arrives, they are Facetiming with French Montana. And in one of the most embarrassing moments in KUWTK history, Kris, before she is fully into the vehicle, slurs “Hello, mother fucka’! Hello, mother fucka’, fucka’, fucka’!” Get thee gone, Kristen Jenner. Get.thee.gone. These microaggressions were filmed on March 21, 2016.
Scene 13: Filmed on March 31, 2016
After the disappointment that was his first psychic encounter, Scott Disick travels to another mental specialist with Los Angeles native and model, Kendall Jenner. While in the car, they both express their happiness over Rob’s emotional progress. Despite this, both Kendall and Scott are nervous that he’ll take leaps back if his relationship with Blac Chyna doesn’t work out. Once Scott and Kendall arrive to the psychic, Scott finally tells her that he really wants to get to the bottom of the Kardashian Curse, which shocks Kendall, because she wasn’t aware that one existed. That said, because she doesn’t have anywhere else to go and is contractually bound to earn her paycheck, Kendall sits with him as he gets read by their psychic. The psychic confirms that Scott does in fact have a curse placed on his life, and to exorcise it, he needs to get a rooster, dress in white, and then free the rooster in a safe and spiritual way. Ya’ll, cut my cable off right this moment, because this mess is too much for ya’ girl and I want no part in it. Because he too has a paycheck to earn, Scott agrees to this mess. This scene was filmed on March 31, 2016.
Scene 14: Filmed on March 21, 2016
Kris, Kourtney and Khloe take another winery in Napa. While enjoying the sights at the bottom of their wine glasses, Khloe gets a pretty unwanted Facetime from Lamar “I Made It” Odom. Khloe passes the phone to Kourtney and Kris. Kourtney engages in your normal pleasantries with Lamar, but Kris makes a point to invite the young man out to dinner. She recommends that the two of them go to either Craig’s or Nice Guy, in West Hollywood. Khloe becomes agitated because even the most pedestrian of civilians knows that those places are not for dinner, but for dining on the joy of being papped from the front and back. Kris might as well invite Lamar to dine—fully lit and mic’d—in Harvey Levin’s bedroom. Khloe decides that this is the end of the call, but before ending it, she begs Lamar not to have any virgin rum and cokes. Whew, Jesus. Like Scene 12, this scene was filmed on March 21, 2016.
Scene 18: Filmed on April 29, 2016
Back in Calabasas, Kim and Scott visit Kourtney’s house to catch up on all things Napa and curses. Kim and Kourtney don’t believe in the Kardashian Curse and are offended that Scott would dare to think they had a part in ruining his life. Kim also thinks that Scott is just seeking an easy way to put the blame on someone else. They are also shocked that he actually bought a rooster to rid him of the curse. In the end, they laugh about it and Scott shows his ex Kourtney, her sister Kim, and his kids the rooster he bought. Why he brought it to Kourtney’s, we’ll never be sure. Scott must not have been too worried about the curse, because this scene was filmed on April 29, 2016, a month after his psychic reading.
That’s all ya’ lil’ homie wrote for this week, Dolls. Join me next week for another KUWKurses re-cap on #KUWTKE. #ScottMontana
Mariah Smith is writer and comedic performer who keeps up with the Kardashians. For more Keeping Up With The Kontinuity Errors click here. You can follow her on Twitter @mRiah.
Images via E!