Scientists Discover Planet Where Time Works Like It Feels on Twitter

Photo via AP Images.
Photo via AP Images.

Astronomers announced on Wednesday that they’ve discovered a new planet at relatively close 11 light-years away, which is so close to its sun that a year on it lasts ten days. In other words, a new Earth, where time actually works like it feels in the era of Trump tweets.

The Associated Press reports on Ross 128 b, saying it’s “the second-closest planet to be detected yet outside our solar system with surface temperatures potentially similar to ours.” Promising! Tell me more:

Ross 128 b is very near its star, thus the short orbit. But it doesn’t get broiled because the red dwarf star is cool. The star is also quiet, meaning no radiation flare-ups. That’s encouraging news for seekers of extraterrestrial life. The planet is believed to border the so-called habitable zone.


This means that I could travel to Ross 128 b and within one Earth year have aged, chronologically, 36.5 years, making me 68 years old, roughly the age I now feel every day when waking up to read the news. But they’ll probably defund NASA before I can get there, of course.

Senior Editor, Attic Haunter, Jezebel

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Kenny and the Llamas

Wait, Kelly, that’s not... how... time...

Nah, you know what? Fuck it. That’s how time works. Let’s go to Jupiter. One Jupiter year = 12 earth years. We can just wait a year, come back, see if the world survived the Trumpocalypse, get it all over with.