Science Says Drinking is Good For You, So Get Guzzling

Illustration for article titled Science Says Drinking is Good For You, So Get Guzzling

Okay, fine, science has never once said that guzzling alcohol with wild abandon is healthy. But guzzle it in moderation and you are basically moderately slurping from the pierced artery of a unicorn, guaranteeing yourself success and longevity. According to science.


According to Mother Jones, a team of researchers from Oregon Health & Science University trained twelve rhesus macaques — a species of monkey with a very similar immune system to our own — to drink a 4 percent ethanol cocktail. They then vaccinated the monkeys against small pox and split them into two groups. One group was given access to the cocktails (OPEN BAR!!!) and the other was given sugar water. Some of the monkeys at the alcohol science party got drunk all day, consistently displaying BACs higher than 0.08, while others chose to drink moderately, resulting in BAC levels between 0.02 and 0.04. (Interestingly, this indicates that variable drinking behavior is not unique to humans.)

After seven months, the monkeys received a second booster shot. The heavy-drinking monkeys failed to produce the antibodies that the body usually makes in response to vaccination, which one would expect from someone who just went hard at a 7-month-long open bar. Surprisingly, though, the moderately drinking monkeys experienced an increase in immune response — responding even better than the non-drinking control group.


Conclusion: moderate drinking may improve your immune system. Now you have a scientifically-sound justification for your desk beer. You are welcome.

Image via Belushi/Shutterstock.

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Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

Any science that suggests that anyone should be drinking white wine is just bad science. THE END.