Image via AP.

With the certainty of the tides, Twitter follows a sort of circadian rhythm which helps to give the screaming horrors of the the world a dulcet pulse like waves lapping against the sand. At least if the world is going to be a terrifying chaos cyclone, then the regularity of the news cycle gives it some structure and resolution by 8PM log-off. If you missed today’s apocalypse scare, around midday EST, Hawaiians received a false emergency alarm on their phones which looked like this:

Twitter looked like this:

  • “Rihanna Seeks Tenant for West Hollywood Micro-Compound”
  • [Usually Donald Trump tweets something]
  • “Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Attend Friend’s Birthday Dinner Amid Kylie Jenner Labor Rumors”
  • “Trump Thinks Only Black People Are on Welfare, But, Really, White Americans Receive Most Benefits”
  • Is it Kim Kardashian or Kim Kardashian West?
  • “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER.”
  • Lunch: World ending, order Thai. Change mind because there are healthier sensible options in the fridge, and I probably have to get up tomorrow.
  • The ballistic missile–false alarm
  • “Mark, Donnie Wahlberg Want To Protect Their Special Sauce”
  • “Chelsea Manning Is Running For Senate”–yay!
  • Missile update from the New York Times: Official says the alert was a mistake made in the shift change procedure. “Someone clicked the wrong thing on the computer,” he said. “It was erroneous.”
  • Ha ha
  • “Friendly Sloth Just Wants To Hitch A Ride On A Bus”

And so, animal news signals dusk. Here, because we need it.