Saturday Night Social: I Don't Wanna Say It

Holy shit people, it is Jon Secada's birthday today. He is 53 and remains the master of the goofy guilty pleasure jam. I don't even know what to do with myself right now, but I think I need to give my mother a call and inform her about this.


Honestly, I wouldn't have to tell her it's his birthday; she probably knows in her heart. Like, knows. Anyway, bask in this delightful goodness that is the best goddamn grocery store background music ever to have graced the tinny airwaves of a Safeway. God, this video is amazing. He's on the beach. He's in the water. He's in the rain. He's everywhere. Just try and find a good reason not to yell along to this song. Give me a reason—GIVE ME A REASON.

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So I just wanted to talk about a part of my brain that has been distressing me lately.

I just finished watching the first and second season of America Horror Story on Netflix (they dont have the third season yet because apparently they are evil) and I decided to watch the second season before the first season because, I dunno, I didn't think I would get that into it and I just wanted something kinda scary to watch even though I dont normally like horror movies/shows but I was feeling Halloweeny and the reviews said that the second season was the best so whatever. Doesn't matter.

The point is that I just finished Murder House and it brought in some feelings that I hate and that I am really curious about. I, like many others, got a mad crush on Evan Peters' character, Tate.

And I found myself being really dissapointed/confused my that. Because this has always been a pattern of mine (and many other women of course) and I just dont WANT it to be. I feel myself always drawn to the emotionally disturbed, bad boy caricature both in fantasy and in real life.

And I have dated my share of emotionally abusive dead beat boyfriends because of it. You would have thought that I would've learned my lesson but to this day when I see or meet Tate-like guys I feel that creeping feeling in my chest that goes, "Yes, b-b-but I CAN CHANGE HIM!"

And I think that this is really damaging to my ability to find and maintain a healthy relationship, not only with another person, but with my own mind. I feel like a put myself in these positions with fucked up men that OF COURSE worsen my anxiety and depression and hold me back in life. But for whatever reason whenever I meet a well adjusted guy the immediate thought that comes into my head, "Well yeah, but what would we, like, talk about???" Cause I see myself as a mentally unstable person and I therefore dont believe that I could get along with, have enough in common with, have enough chemistry with someone who isnt equally fucked in the mind.

Maybe I'm attracted to that kind of guy because that character preys on a woman's (both biological and sociologically spured) inclination to NURTURE? Maybe its because I have low self esteem (Maybe...???? I really dont think that I do...????) and I subconsciously see these men as a way to punish myself because I dont DESERVE to have a healthy relationship?What do guys think? How do I get out of it?

I WANT to have a healthy relationship with a mentally sound man who is employed and emotionally available and not a drug addict and all that good stuff. I just dont see that sort of person as being attracted to me...?... I guess. I would feel like that sort of man doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with me and like I was hijacking his chances at a happy life. I also feel like he just would not understand my mind and the things I am going through with my mental state. I think one of the worse things is not having someone who can understand what I am going through. Not having someone to sympathize with. I really want to break this attraction to "bad boys" though. I just dont think that it is good for me.

Advice, tips, sympathies??