Saturday Night Social: Gather Round for the Tale of the Meghan Markle Spaghetti Affair of '16

There was plenty of room in, about, and around Mark Zuckerberg’s immense butt to host tonight’s Saturday Night Social, and if you have not seen it by now, I urge you to tab over there for a second. But then come back because we have very fresh content to discuss!!!

Let’s take another trip to the Daily Mail’s leaning tower of file cabinets marked “MEGHAN MARKLE INVESTIGATION 1981-????” in giant crazed sharpie to review the contents of the manilla folder marked “May 2016″–which, til now, has been a gap in the half-filled-in timeline marked by events such as The First Kiss of 1993 of FroYo Summers Past, The Divorce and the Vitamix Blender, and The Great Mystery of the Princess Diana Obsession. Now we have a story of The Spaghetti of Love Lost.

The Daily Mail pads the novelized serial with their previous findings–married Tostitos actress moves to Toronto, launches a lifestyle blog in a haughty gambit to “raise her profile,” and starts dating a “celebrity chef” named Cory who “mingled” with the “players” of Toronto’s haute establishment in 2014.

The piece goes on and on and then finally arrives at its climax:

The Daily Mail can’t know for sure, but it’s pieced together this narrative from an insider source:

According to one well-placed source, it was Vitiello who initiated the break-up because he grew tired of Meghan’s increasingly ‘prima donna-like’ behaviour.

When they went out to dinner or travelled together, says the insider, she would drive her unpretentious boyfriend to distraction by using her name to win better service. Matters are rumoured to have come to a head, somewhat farcically, when she and Cory had friends to dinner, and she passed off the recipe for the much-admired main dish of pasta with courgette spirals – one of her boyfriend’s creations – as hers.

[INSERTED: LARGE FILE PHOTO OF PASTA WITH COURGETTE SPIRALS VIA CORY’S INSTAGRAM]

Complicating matters, Delish has speculated that her “killer pasta hack” might have “won over Prince Harry.” The Daily Mail prods Cory for answers, dammit–but to no avail.

Could all this be true? The man best placed to answer – Cory – has never spoken about the matter, assiduously evading the press for the past 18 months. However, when I found him, at the flagship branch of his new rotisserie chain, he brewed me a coffee and genially explained his reticence.

‘I’ve got a lot of respect for Meghan and, from my end, to make it seem like I’m part of the story [of her elevation into the ranks of royalty] would seem self-serving and opportunistic,’ he reasoned. ‘I’m pleased for Meghan. She’s a great girl. There is no bitterness. I respect people’s private and personal lives, and although she has put herself in the public spectrum, I still hold to that.’

So was it he or Meghan who ended the relationship? ‘Ha ha! That’s the one question you can’t answer, huh? Well, you know what? I’ll let the public forum debate that!’ Since he’s smiling, I try another tack. According to reports, he and Meghan finished in April or May 2016, and within a few weeks she and Harry were dating. But the timing has never been pinpointed. Had they parted permanently when Harry came on the scene? If so, why?

WHY???

No amount of minutia gathered from harried phone calls, trans-Atlantic flights, recovered blog archives, interviews with family members, friends, and former lovers will fill the spaghetti-shaped hole. Was it the pasta with courgette spirals? And does she ever wonder what if?

If these words don’t tell us she had thought they might marry, her resigned expression suggests she still contemplates, with a degree of longing, what might have been.