Image: Lady Gaga having the best time of anyone’s life, ever (Getty)

This week at the Venice Film Festival, celebrities have been boating around and walking red carpets and probably chatting about functional air conditioning and other glamorous things which are above the commoners. As evidenced from this year’s humongous red carpet gowns, they also appear to have brought an army of assistants to transport luggage to a water-locked city where you have to get around in boats of limited size. Venice is not an easy place to access, let alone haul in several 50-pound dry cleaning bags. And yet, the frouf is tremendous; the chiffon, an assistant’s worst nightmare.

But as someone with around six complete outfits, it is a lifestyle I can only dream of: a gown so large that it will cushion my fall when I trip, yet soft enough so that I can nap on it after I do. Fabric which billows around me so that people must clear a space of four bodies for me on the subway. An ergonomic bag so vast that it will keep me warm in winter and ventilate my sweaty butt in summer. A downy coat of feathers in which I can just do this occasionally, and somebody on the internet will photoshop a rain of sparkles around my face. To live the high life of insanely excessive drapery:

Advertisement

Image: Ly Nha Ky (Getty)
Image: Tamara Kalinic (Getty)
Image: Alek Wek (Getty)

Advertisement

Image: Parachute!!! Bruna Marquezine (Getty)
Image: Woo! Carolina Crescentini (Getty)

Advertisement

Image: Eleonora Carisi (Getty)
Image: Elisa Isoardi (Getty)
Image: Izabel Goulart (Getty)

Advertisement

Image: Yes to wearing a cape in real life! Claire Foy (Getty)

Advertisement

Image: Getty

In this fantasy, Bradley Cooper has to help me in and out of boats, too.

Advertisement

Happy Saturday, dreamers :)