Satan To Pat Robertson: Haiti Is "Not How I Roll"

Last week, Pat Robertson told viewers on his Christian Broadcasting Network that the earthquake in Haiti was caused by a pact made with the devil. On Thursday, the devil himself reached out in order to clear something up.

This is how it went down, according to Robertson:

They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal.

Robertson told viewers of The 700 Club that “ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other.”

Satan has a few strong words for Robertson, which he shared with the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

Dear Pat Robertson,
I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Satan’s clever ghostwriter is actually Lily Barber Coyle, a playwright and producer living in Minneapolis. Her wit has already won her a Facebook group, instant internet fame, and several offers of marriage.

Letters Of The Day [Minneapolis Star Tribune]
The Devil Writes Pat Robertson A Letter [NPR]
Pat Robertson: Haiti ‘Cursed’ By ‘Pact To The Devil’ [Huffington Post]