Sam Bee With a Good Reminder: 'Your Dick Is Objectively the Worst Thing About You'

Dick-stomping feminist buzzkill Samantha Bee has some advice for men who are “getting concerned about how they can avoid getting accused” in light of Harvey Weinstein’s sexual assault and harassment allegations, which is: don’t whip your dick out in front of people.

“I find its quite easy to not masturbate in front of my employees,” she says in a new PSA. “In fact, it’s one of the easiest things I don’t do!”

She lays out some simple rules for men to follow: “Don’t masturbate in front of people who haven’t specifically asked you to, and even then, stop and ask yourself: What is our power dynamic? Is there a chance in hell that this person might only be agreeing to see my hideous dick out of fear for their career?” If so, don’t fucking whip it out, okay?


If that’s not incentive enough to behave like a human being, remember this: to most women, your penis looks like a bloated, rotting eggplant, infested with maggots. “Your dick,” Bee reminds us, “is objectively the worst thing about you.”

Prachi Gupta is a senior reporter at Jezebel.

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The Ron Swanson of Westeros

To repeat an earlier comment on the subject:

I admit that my experience is hardly conclusive in the matter, as I am but a young associate with very little in the way of power over anyone, but I have to say, I can’t find the threat of a sexual harassment lawsuit terribly frightening, because I employ a little-known but redoubtable technique to forestall such allegations, which is that I do not sexually harass my co-workers.

How do I manage this redoubtable technique, you might ask? Well, it consists of a sophisticated two-step decision tree whenever I am confronted with a potential problem.

Step One: I ask myself “Ron [disclosure: not my real name], be honest with yourself: does this in any way involve your stupid boner?” Y/N.

Step Two: If the answer to Step One is Y, I say to myself “Ron [disclosure: not my real name], c’mon man, nobody cares about your stupid boner.” And then I don’t do it.

See, the hidden beauty of implementing this sophisticated decision tree process is that not only do I not sexually-harass my co-workers, but I also create the appearance of not sexually-harassing my co-workers. Which means that in the event any of these false-flag-sexual-harassment-claimers actually does attempt to vex me, everyone’s going to look at me and say “Wait a minute! I’ve never seen Ron [disclosure: not my real name] ever pretend that anyone cared about his stupid boner. That can’t be true!” I might be naive, but I have a hunch this is a plan so crazy, it just might work.