Rooting for Any Country But the USA in the Olympics Is for Losers and Suckers

Simone Biles doing her thing. Image via AP.
Simone Biles doing her thing. Image via AP.

You think the USA is not the best country in the world? THINK AGAIN!

The Olympics are all about winning. The winning is all about the USA. This country is the best on earth not just because of gymnastics and swimming and beach volleyball—three of the most important and prestigious sports that ever were elected to Olympic sports—but because of diving and man-swimming and tennis (Serena lost but she is still the best tennis player who ever lived) and because of beat matching, an underrated sport that NBC is not airing because it is owned by Pennsylvanians. Pennsylvania hates winning! New York! USA! USA! USA!


The thing is, you would like to be rooting for the winners. If you don’t root for the winners, you’re selling yourself short. You know why the only thing the USA loves is winning? Because the thing we do best is winning.

Think about it. The United States is host to some of the greatest countries in the world. New York, New York. Los Angeles, California. Seattle. Atlanta. Miami. Houston. New Orleans. Chicago. Cleveland, a city that knows from winning. Not Philadelphia, though. Philadelphia hates winning. But the other cities in our country love winning, such as Las Vegas and Minneapolis-St. Paul. Minneapolis-St. Paul loves to win! Prince is from there! It was ingrained into his soul from the beginning, as both a Minneapolitan and a person born in the United States, and a musical genius. Get on his level. Root for the USA!

Another person we should talk about is Simone Biles, who is the greatest gymnast who has ever lived. She is from Columbus—pretty close to Cleveland; hmm—and grew up outside of Houston. You know who else is from Houston? Motherfucking Beyoncé, motherfuckers. You see where I’m going with this? We’re a country of winners. Winning is just what we do.

Madonna. John F. Kennedy. Rick Ross. Benjamin! Fricken! Franklin! Rooting for any other country than the USA is clearly a fool’s game, something that people who like to lose do, because they are afraid of the sheer power, strength, and WINNINGHOOD of people like Serena Williams, Selena Quintanilla, Sylvia Woods, and Sal Mineo. All Americans. All champions. Bet your money on the USA, dumbasses, unless you like being broke!


That's Not That Much Cheese

No joke, the Final Five are the most insanely talented team of gymnasts we have ever had, including the 2012 Fierce Five and the Magnificent Seven. Every single one of those ladies is just ridiculously good and if the 2-per-country rule were not in place, we could probably take all thee medal spots in the individual all around. Crazy.