RIP, Thotty Green M&M Lady

In what feels to be a perfectly American consolation prize for the fact that Congress has failed to pass voting rights legislation, Mars has redesigned the M&M’s characters for a “more dynamic, progressive world,” according to CBS News. So now, in addition to losing suffrage, we will also be losing our favorite bimbo icon: the hot green lady M&M.

It’s nearly impossible to imagine our sexy candy-coated sister floating adrift without her thot energy. It feels as though the green M&M, with her fake lashes and hoe heels, wanted just one thing in this world and that was to fuck.

I miss when she had a superiority complex. I miss when she bossed the other imbeciles around because she was more cunning and objectively hot than they could ever be. It seems, in reality, that the other M&Ms were jealous of her pretty privilege and that Mars has punished her for her God-given assets, so I would just like to inquire: What sort of message does that really send? That the girlies can’t be horny? That we can’t wear go-go boots to work? Take away our masc-thot and see what happens. The bimbos will rise, once more, removing every new green M&M from candy wrappers across the world, until the nice, professional version of candy Pam Anderson ceases to exist.

The other M&Ms, too, will undergo makeovers for which literally no one asked. Mr. Orange, who now apparently self-identifies as anxious, will “embrace his true self, worries and all.” His new laces will be tied to demonstrate his extreme caution and apparent mental health issues.

Meanwhile, the lady M&Ms are now getting along to show a “force supporting women” as they throw “shine and not shade” — though we all know the brown M&M is just using girlboss energy as a facade for her own internalized misogyny. Her heels are now kitten heel “professional” length, because she wants to keep up with the boys as they scurry to the conference room.

The red M&M, formerly a schoolyard bully, has now changed his ways, though the vestiges of his toxic masculinity peak through when anyone calls him short and he punches right through their chocolate belly.

The yellow M&M is now a male coworker who frequently gets handsy when he compliments your work, but assures you he’s just “really friendly,” or possible Italian, and the blue M&M is West Elm Caleb, TikTok’s favorite fuckboi with unresolved intimacy issues who’s love bombing every twenty-something that crosses his path.

Again — no one asked for our M&Ms, which are, again, just pieces of candy, to be more woke or inclusive. We just want to live in a functioning democracy. (And we really miss the thotty green one. Rest in Power.)