Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
Rihanna, December 29—The year began with the rickety determination of a deregulated wooden roller coaster creaking uphill and dipped far below the earth’s crust into its bitter core of scorching magma but the one thing that kept the Navy going was our queen. That’s right, the lord of light, the Last Jedi, the old god and the new, Robyn Rihanna FENTY!
Rihzus started 2017 protesting Donald Trump, the Eye of Sauron to her Lady Galadriel, but they had one thing in common: both spent this year raking in gobs of money! Only Robyn’s was CONSTITUTIONAL because she is our BEACON in the LIGHT AND GLORY, the democracy of all democracies!
January
Rum bum bum bum, rum bum bum bum, rum bum bum bum! When the commoners were in the streets protesting for the Women’s March, who was right there with us but OUR CAPITAN! THIS P***Y GRABS BACK, INDEED!
WE CAME TOGETHER FOR PRO-CHOICE!
In between being a voice for the proletariat, she spent some time filming Ocean’s 8 with some other ladies, allegedly as a cool hacker who likes to hack things and steal diamonds! CYBER!
The first rule of Ocean’s 8 is, always listen to our god the queen RIRI!
February
Creme tangerine and montelimar! In February Rihanna hit up the Roc Nation brunch prior to the Grammys just casually draped in an orange hi-lo crop cape like Kylo Ren’s mom on a vibrant kick—making the fruit spread look pallid! Jay Z was like ha-ha, ha-ha, WINE TIME!
Oh, you thought Rihzus wouldn’t serve a look to its very end? THINK AGAIN, HUNTY. She hit up the actual Grammys (where she was ROBBED by a bunch of lesser muhfuckers) in beaded creamsicle and a crystal flask, cause awards shows are BORING! SHAKE~ IT ~ UP ~ RIRI!
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