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Rich People Have Bad Taste and Don’t Like Antiques Anymore, so They Should Give Them to Me

Illustration for article titled Rich People Have Bad Taste and Don’t Like Antiques Anymore, so They Should Give Them to Me
Image: Getty

According to a recent report from the New York Times, the Richie Riches of this town are having a hard time selling their gajillion dollar apartments because they have too many antiques. The next generation of wealth isn’t into the old stuff, and HGTV is partially to blame. “At a time when home design television shows and shelter magazines emphasize light colors and pared-down interiors, it can be harder to sell homes that are furnished with antiques,” the article reads. “Large pieces in particular can make a property feel smaller than it is or hide desirable features.” So, in order to sell, the wealthy are pawning their vintage goods for pennies on the dollar.

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Personally, I think this is great. If the rich people of my generation can’t appreciate beautiful old Danish teak pieces and only make room for, like, one art deco side table—fuck them, let me have it all. For cheap. Ideally, free. I love old stuff.

You can live like this:

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I will live like this, okay?

I suppose it is sad to see a trend of antiques losing their value over the years. In one example from the article, a couple mentions purchasing “a George V game table and chairs they bought for $10,000 back in 2006,” which they hoped to sell through a Corcoran agent. It is estimated to go for a measly $1,200. Presumably, they can afford the loss, and one day maybe I can afford the very expensive furniture they have to sell at a 88 percent loss. Or they could donate it to me. My email is in the bio below.

Listen—it’s only a matter of time before the upcycling, environmentally-conscious-as-fashion trend makes its way over into design. Some home reno influencer is going to sell the industry on the color brown, and prices will skyrocket once more. (Or so I would assume.) Until then, let’s enjoy this period of people having terrible taste by scamming them out of their treasures for cheap.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

I love antiques and despise mass-market minimalism—to hell with bland, white-walled condos!

As I see it, if everyone else wants to live in some kind of IKEA showroom dystopia, all the more antiques for me. That house in Rome you’ve got here looks absolutely heavenly.