Republican Candidates, Ranked By Who God Loves Most

Illustration for article titled Republican Candidates, Ranked By Who God Loves Most

Hello. It’s God.

Now, when I say “God,” I mean “Christian God,” and when I say “Christian God,” I mean definitely not Muslim God or Catholic God or Jewish God or Orthodox God or Hindu God. I’m the God that wrote the Constitution with his dick and wants babies to have guns and wants pregnant guns to have babies and then I want to send all of those babies, both gun and human, to war. The God who hangs out in megachurches in the suburbs. The real God.


This weekend, 6,000 of My Most Favored children, each of whom I splooged directly from My Holy God-Hand and into Texas, America, gathered in a suburban heavenscape called Plano to hear from several GOP Presidential candidates in the North Texas Presidential Forum, which takes place in a church (my house). The purpose of the forum was to suss out which of the candidates love Me (God) the most and thus are deserving of The Evangelical Vote, because if there’s one signifier of executive competency it’s adherence to rigid and unchanging dogma based on a collection of myths assembled over centuries by corrupt oligarchs with political agendas.

Think of the North Texas Presidential Forum like a spelling bee, but the winner gets to go to heaven and/or the White House, and the loser gets burned alive in Hell while me and the angels watch on closed circuit TV and laugh. The stakes could not be higher.

Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, Jeb Bush, and Ben Carson spoke. Obviously, I (God) was in attendance, in disguise as a Teen Study Bible, and today I can offer you (America) a ranking of the candidates, from my least favored to my most beloved.

6. Carly Fiorina

Carly told the crowd an interesting story about how she became pro-life partly because a friend of hers in college had a bad experience with abortion and partially because she and her husband were unable to naturally conceive children of their own. But if, as she says, she’s a devoted fundamentalist Christian, I’m not sure what she’s doing running her woman-mouth in a Church!

Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. 1 Corinthians 14:34

And in case I didn’t make Myself clear to those who think the Bible contains my literal words:

A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety. 1 Timothy 2: 11-15


Sorry, Carly. Women can’t President.

5. Ted Cruz

The crowd loved him, according to the Washington Post, a newspaper that I print from my mind, but I did not, for he exalted Donald Trump, a crimson man of money and meat who says The Bible is his favorite book. You stupid piece of shit, Trump. A real Christian’s favorite book is the Left Behind series.


4. Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum came in second in the 2012 GOP Primary, but thanks to his weird face, he comes in 4th in my heart.


3. Ben Carson

“God, you be the neurosurgeon, I’ll be the hands,” said renowned neurosurgeon Ben Carson to a crowd. Love the guy, but it’s nuts that he didn’t also ask me to campaign for President for him!


2. Mike Huckabee

Just as my son Jesus preach that His followers must visit the imprisoned and give your coat to a man who asks for your shirt, so too did Mike Huckabee’s son allegedly torture a dog to death. I would be hard pressed to think of a more Godlike candidate in most circumstances, but these are truly miraculous times we live in.


1. Jeb Bush

Godwatchers might be shocked that I went for the establishment candidate here, but Jeb is truly My favorite candidate. Here’s why:

Bush spoke of his conversion to Catholicism and his conviction that “life has value.” As governor, Bush said, he put his faith into action by defunding Planned ­Parenthood, promoting adoption and “standing on the side of life” in the legal struggle over removing a feeding tube from Terri Schiavo, a Florida woman who was in a vegetative state.

“I was all-in on life. I didn’t talk about it. I did it,” Bush said.

Heavens yes, notorious J. E. B.! But I wish you hadn’t left out the part where you signed this great country’s first Stand Your Ground law in 2005. Truly the workings of a pro-life man.


Now that you know who My favorites truly are, remember to vote responsibly. GOP is basically GOD with a little tail. :)

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Kate Dries

Contact the author in heaven.