Just when you thought you'd finally exorcised Rebecca Black's musical aneurysm "Friday" from your ears, the most obnoxious store in the mall has decided to employ the most annoying song in history in trying to convince you to go shopping on the most stressful day of the year. Get it? Rebecca Black Friday. I'll take "Before & After I get the shit annoyed out of me" for 400, Mr. Trebek.

The spot features a manic looking white lady in a superfluous scarf who can't wait to make purchases from the cleanest, least depressing Kohl's in the world. The entire time, she's singing about it in the style of the much-maligned tweenager, gleefully swiping items from the carts of others (including one slyly placed Rebecca Black lookalike in a cherry red coat) and generally increasing the amount of misery in the world.

To make matters worse, she doesn't even get around to lampooning the "which seat will I take...?" line, and everyone on the internet knows that it doesn't count as a "Friday" parody until there's a musical car seat debate.

The endless backward creep of Christmas commercials continues apace, sort of like how the state of California is gradually sinking into the sea. By 2150, there will be no more San Diego and Christmas sales will start on February 15th.


In conclusion, shut up, Kohls.