Rand Paul Continues to Be a Real Dick

Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul has been confronted yet again with his rich history of flip-flopping, and yet again, he has not handled it well.

In an interview with the Associated Press only a few hours after accusing Savannah Guthrie of “editorializing” and Randsplaining to her how to conduct an interview, Paul had a difficult time expressing where, exactly, he stands on an abortion ban. He’s supported legislation in the past that would ban abortion except in cases of rape, incest, or to save the mother’s life; at other points in time he’s supported bills seeking to ban abortions without exception.

“The thing is about abortion — and about a lot of things — is that I think people get tied up in all these details of, sort of, you’re this or this or that, or you’re hard and fast (on) one thing or the other,” Paul told the AP. You guys! When I’m president, you won’t see me wasting time on a pesky left-wing invention like details! Where’s the fun in having a clear stance on an important issue? More importantly, where are the votes, am I right?!

Paul grew testy when pressed in the interview on the question of exceptions. “I gave you about a five-minute answer. Put in my five-minute answer,” he said.

He added, “I think the most important thing is the general concept of: Do you support the sanctity of life? Do you think there’s something special about life?”

That’s right, booya, assholes! He also went on to say, in no way clarifying his point: “I’ve supported both bills with and without (exceptions), you know. In general, I am pro-life. So I will support legislation that advances and shows that life is special and deserves protection.”

“LIFE IS SPECIAL!” screams the red-faced man, whose rage and general discomfort with human interaction is tempered by the knowledge that, one day, he will lead this beautiful country populated entirely by unborn fetuses.