Queen Witch Stevie Nicks Officiated a Wedding This Weekend

Illustration for article titled Queen Witch Stevie Nicks Officiated a Wedding This Weekend

Just like the white winged dove became an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church, Stevie Nicks has fluttered down from her enchanted nest of willow reeds, spanish moss and fire to officiate the wedding of John McCauley and songstress Vanessa Carlton (yes, that Vanessa Carlton). Sadly, this means the bar for wedding officiants has been set — and at a height too high to ever be reached by mere mortals without the help of a witch's broom.


Apart from what you see in Carlton's Instagram photos, few details are known about the ceremony so we'll have to assume (rightly) that it involved a séance, a moon dance and a powerful moment when Nicks demanded from atop a white horse that Carlton spin and spin for hours until her ankles gave out because — as Stevie pointed out with a cruel laugh as tears of pain streamed down the bride's face — "pain begats gain."

As of now, it seems that Nicks has no plans to officiate the weddings of us normals — she'll only do it for the near-famous and even then her services come at a high price: Couples must gift Stevie their first born child who she will then raise in the woods as her own, passing down to it the knowledge of the brutal pagan blood magic that she has mastered over centuries.

For the cliff top ceremony, Nicks wore a smart black suit and crisp white shirt. Her date was a bundle of chicken bones decorated in leather and lace.



I had a relative so obsessed with Stevie Nicks back in the day that she was going to name her daughter after Stevie.

She had a boy instead, and I have a cousin Steven. Sadly, I don't believe anybody realizes that he was named after Stevie Nicks.