I don’t ask for much in this life. I know better than to have real ambitions and goals and dreams when humanity is on the brink of extinction. Hell, let’s be real—my career is over. But I could still go into the box and scare someone. I will scare them so good no one will ever have to be scared again, easing the anxiety of my coworkers and bringing joy to DeGeneres, who will never again have to sit through this gag.


Unless she enjoys it. This can just be her gift to me. And you know she loves to give gifts. Someone start a petition to get me in there, please.