Prince Harry Gave up Drinking Tea, Is No Longer British

Prince Harry has already given up alcohol in solidarity with his pregnant wife (Meghan, have you heard of her?), but now he’s taken a new and, dare I say, treasonous step toward healthful living: He’s quitting coffee and tea.

Allegedly, nixing caffeine was at Meghan’s behest, though I tend to think that the idea of women “making” men do things is a load of hooey. Still, “friends” told The Express that Harry’s new lifestyle has made him calmer and healthier, if also super boring. Please read the following in your most Extremely British Person voice:

“He was a great laugh but it was always very full on,” said one, adding, “Now his new regime doesn’t make him the most entertaining party guest in the world, but he’s definitely more chilled and relaxed.”

Being “full on” and “chilled” are very English, but you know what else is very English? Tea. When I was in college, I visited a friend in Manchester. On my first night in town, he threw a party straight out of a Skins fever dream: Heaps of drugs were consumed off of end tables; clothes were shed in stairwells. The anemic winter sun not only rose, but had already begun to fall by the time my friend peeled his head up from the floor of the bathtub, where we’d both been sleeping, and trained his red-rimmed eyes on me. “Tea?” he asked.

We staggered downstairs, stepping over passed-out bodies, and that’s when I realized that tea cups were everywhere. People had been steadily making tea throughout the night, pausing their snogging and ketamine-snorting to enjoy a nice spot of England’s lifeblood. “You guys really do love tea,” I muttered before curling up next to a plant pot filled with recently shorn dreadlocks and going back to sleep.

I tell you this A) to remind myself I used to be cool, or at least did One Cool Thing one time, and B) to convey the importance of tea to the identity of England. Who is Harry if he doesn’t drink tea anymore? As one of the more public-facing members of the House of Windsor, is he even allowed to quit? Yes, I understand there are non-caffeinated teas, but The Express says he gave it up, full stop.

Prince Harry stopped drinking tea, and therefore is no longer English. His replacement will be selected shortly.