Prince Charles Knows a Towel Is the Most Massively Useful Thing an Interstellar Hitchhiker Can Have

Image via AP.
Image via AP.

As Prince Charles understands, a towel has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can bring a stack of your own to Leicestershire’s Mountsorrel and Rothley Community Heritage Centre, so you don’t have to use their hand dryers.


The Daily Mail reports that Prince Charles came with his own absorbent rags on an official visit to the Community Heritage Centre on Wednesday, where he revealed a plaque that honored the work of volunteers who restored more than a mile of the Victorian Mountsorrel Railway track. At times, even an intergalactic hitchhiker needs to take the steam engine a few kilometers.

Prince Charles allegedly brought the towels to avoid using the Centre’s hand dryers, which scientists say blow all the fecal matter on your hands directly up into your mouth, I think. The fecal matter on the hand’s of the Prince of England is probably some of the most refined and palatable, but organizers weren’t offended that he decided to stick to his trusty towel. A source told the Daily Mail, “They were more than happy to make one of the toilets for his exclusive use only and for his own hand towels to be used.”

Clarence House has declined to comment. But all of this was just a ruse to share a tidbit about Prince Charles’ plans to discuss climate change with President Trump over tea:

Reports of Trump’s threatened boycott of the Prince come a week after the publication of a new book by the heir to the throne warning of the threat posed by climate change.

The Prince is said to regard Trump’s views on the issue as ‘appalling’ and is ‘relaxed’ about the prospect of not meeting him.

A well-placed source said: ‘If the opportunity arises, the Prince would discuss the issue with the President in a courteous, respectful and candid way.

‘If the President does not want tea at Clarence House, that is a matter for him. It would be a pity because, as a non-politician, Charles is in a unique position to raise matters like this. Either way, he will play a full part in the State visit.’

An interstellar traveler knows the value of the planet he’s on. With a towel in his hand, one corner dipped in anti-depressants for discreet sucking, he can face anything.

Contributing Writer, writing my first book for the Dial Press called The Lonely Hunter, follow me on Twitter @alutkin



If the meeting goes south, he can always wrap the towel around his eyes like a blindfold, which will make Trump think he has gone invisible.